Do you ever do this? You see someone who is really proficient, better than you, at something you want to achieve; and you begin comparing yourself to them.We want to be better in our profession, so it makes sense to compare ourselves to those who are the best, doesn’t it? How does that work out for you?

In this newsletter, I will describe in detail the trouble with comparison and make tangible suggestions about how to avoid playing the comparison game. When we look inside of ourselves, understand our strengths and weaknesses, and plan for the future, we can achieve the success and personal freedom we want.

The Trouble With Comparisons

I have often heard it said “comparison is the thief of Joy.” I have found that to be so true.When we compare, we look at someone who is extraordinarily gifted at something we would like to be good at, but are not yet. We look at their best side, ignoring their weaknesses and failures. We compare their best  to an area in which we need much more growth. We hope to learn from the comparison, but instead we thwart our own success. These are some of the problems with comparing ourselves with others:

1. We kill our confidence. When we compare an area of weakness for us with someone else’s absolute best, we inevitably begin to think “I can never do that.” Instead of learning from the experience of others, we begin to question our own ability to succeed. We destroy our vision of success. If  we compare ourselves to the best in our profession, we hink that we simply will never be that good. Our confidence is damaged along with our chances of success.

2. Comparison can lead to envy and depression. It’s very easy to fall victim to jealousy when we look at someone else's success and wish that we had it, or to feel depressed that we have not been able to accomplish the same thing. Comparison can create a very negative mindset which hinders our ability to succeed.

3. Comparison is misleading. We do not have the whole picture. We are only looking at someone’s highlight reel. We do not see their failures, weaknesses and fears.It is really a distorted picture that we misinterpret to our detriment.

4. Comparison turns our friends into our rivals. We can’t help but start to subconsciously compete with a successful person we are comparing ourselves to. We want to be as good as that person, perhaps even be more successful. Even when that person could have been a mentor or guide to us, if we start comparing, we will start living in rivalry and conflict rather than collaboration and support.

5. Comparison hinders our chance to be successful.Comparing yourself to someone else who has more friends, a bigger home, nicer car or is  more successful professionally only saps our motivation. It decreases our chance to be successful in accomplishing our goals, because we will see ourselves as simply not good enough.

Nothing good ever comes from such comparisons.

Tools to Stop Comparing and Start Living 

So, if comparison robs us of our happiness, and holds us back from achieving our goals, how do we stop comparing and start living the life of our dreams? Here are some tangible suggestions:

1. Ask for guidance from a trusted mentor. While we do not want to compare ourselves to others, there are valuable resources we can tap into. There are sources of support in our life who want us to succeed, who have done before what we are trying to do now, who are experts in their field, who are willing to give of themselves to help us succeed. I had the gift of a trusted friend and mentor who taught me how to be a top-notch family lawyer. I didn’t compare myself to him, I didn’t want to be him, but I wanted to learn from him what he knew. And he taught me and showed me how to be successful as a family lawyer.

2. Celebrate the success of others. Instead of feeling jealous when others succeed at something, or have something that you want, be grateful for their success. Congratulate them. Support them. Besides being nice to someone who is a friend or acquaintance, you free yourself from any feeling of envy that holds you back from being as completely free as you want.

3. Focus on your goals. Instead of obsessing over what someone else has, focus on your goals and your vision for your future. What do you want to accomplish? Where do you want to be? What do you need to change to get there? What are the tangible steps you can follow in accomplishing that? This directs your thinking to something that is positive and helpful to you.

4. Inventory your strengths and weaknesses. Analyze yourself. Become aware of who you are, what you are good at, and what areas in which you can improve. What skills do you have that will help you accomplish your goals? What do you need to develop to be successful?

5. Evaluate your own growth. Instead of comparing yourself to others, compare yourself to yourself! Where were you a year ago? How have you grown and changed? What goals do you set for yourself that you have accomplished? Where did you fall short? How far have you come and how far do you have to go?  The only person you should be comparing yourself to is your “past you.”

6. Practice gratitude. We can spend all the time we want thinking about what we do not have and wish we had. That does not serve us well. It creates frustration, disappointment and envy. Instead, think of the many gifts and blessings that we have. What do we have to be grateful for? What skills have we been given that serve us? What do we have in our life that truly is a gift? When we have an attitude of gratitude, we no longer compare ourselves to others from a perspective of jealousy; instead, we celebrate their success. We also focus on how we can be better and achieve our goals.

A War Story

I have often struggled with comparison in  parts of my life. Some of you know, I have been a competitive golfer and have a real passion for the sport. I played for my high school and college teams and have competed in club tournaments since. I have never been a long hitter of the golf ball. My drives are frequently well short of my opponents, and they hit their irons so much further.

If I hit my drive down the middle, but my opponent hits his 40 yards past me, and I begin to reflect on what a disadvantage I face, and how I wish I hit the ball as far as he did, I just put additional pressure on myself and develop a negative attitude that hinders my success. If my competitor hits a 9 iron on a par 3, and I have to use a 6 iron, and I think about how much longer he is, I begin to think that I’m not as good. Those thoughts will deflate me. 

Instead, I should focus on my strengths. I should remember that I hit he ball straighter, more consistent, and have a better short game. When I concentrate on what I do well, I am more confident and more likely to succeed. When I win the hole, despite the fact that my opponent outhit me by 40 yards, he is the one who will feel frustrated.

If my goal is to become a longer driver of the golf ball, I can seek a coach, who will help me improve my techniques so I can hit the ball further. And I can continue to work on my strengths, and make them better. Comparing the weakest part of my game to the strongest part of my opponent does nothing except to harm myself. Focusing on my strengths and my goals creates a vision of success that enables me to be more fulfilled.

Conclusion

The only person you should be comparing yourself to is yourself. Your efforts should focus on growing from within, working hard, improving, becoming more resilient, and being grateful. Let go of comparison and fuel your success. 

Which of these tips is of greatest benefit to you?

I am working with attorneys and other professionals to help them be as successful and fulfilled in their profession as they want. I would love to learn more about you, your challenges and your goals. If you would like to chat, please set up a complementary discovery call with me here: https://calendly.com/garymiles-successcoach/one-one-discovery-call