We Don't Have to Be Perfect
Do you ever find that you fret over your past mistakes? Or, are very worried about making new mistakes? Are you ever extremely concerned about high expectations of your family or your colleagues?
If so, you may be struggling with perfectionism. Perfectionism can create real problems for us, everything from procrastination to severe anxiety and stress.
In this newsletter, I will explain what perfectionism is; talk about how it has affected me; discuss the signs and causes of perfectionism, explain the problems it creates, and give detailed steps on how to overcome it.
What is perfectionism?
A perfectionist constantly strives for flawlessness. He can get fixated on perfection in all he does, and tries to control situations around him. Perfectionists can be excessively focused on control, and preoccupied with making sure that everything is flawless. Taken to an extreme, perfectionists can be motivated by fear and paralyzed by the idea of failure.
Perfectionists pressure themselves to meet standards that are truly unattainable. They are highly critical of themselves, and beat themselves up about anything that does not meet their very high standards. They fear that if they do not achieve perfection, they will be low achievers. Sometimes, their fear of failure is so paralyzing that they procrastinate rather than do something at all if it cannot be done perfectly. See, perfectionists feel an overwhelming need to be or appear perfect. Perfectionism holds us back by creating unhealthy behavior in our pursuit of perfection.
This is very different from being a high achiever. It is wonderful to always strive for excellence, to have high standards, to be persistent in the face of adversity, and to strive to do our best.
My story
When I was in high school, I was quite heavy, even fat. I was extremely bright, clearly the best of my class. I wore nerdy glasses. The combination of all those made me the butt of many jokes, even bullied. At home, I often felt like no matter what I did, it was not good enough. I was filled with a powerful desire to please everyone around me, both my parents and my classmates to win approval.
As a result, I did extremely well in college and law school (top of my class). Nevertheless, I always felt that nothing was ever good enough. When I entered the practice of law, in my early years, everything had to be perfect, and it led to my procrastinating and feeling additional stress.
I have learned both the importance of overcoming perfectionism, and how to do it. I will share some of those thoughts in this newsletter.
Signs of perfectionism
These are some of the most prominent traits of perfectionism. Do any of these sound familiar to you?
Black and white thinking. Perfectionists are not satisfied with doing just a great job; they accept nothing less than perfection. An excellent job can be seen as failure if it is not perfect.
Highly critical. Perfectionists are hypercritical of themselves and others. They focus on imperfections and are very judgmental and hard on themselves and those around them.
Controlled by fear of failure. Perfectionists are motivated by fear of not achieving their goals and of doing anything to avoid being seen as a failure. They set an unrealistic goal of achieving perfection. Because they place so much focus on the outcome, failure becomes a very scary prospect.
Unrealistic standards. Perfectionists set goals that are often unattainable. This is hardly surprising, as perfection is not achievable.
Focus only on the outcome. Instead of focusing on the process of achieving their goals, perfectionists obsess about the results and strive to avoid the failure that they dread. As a result they do not enjoy the process of growing and working towards their goals.
Depressed about their “failures.” When perfectionists do not achieve their goals, they can get stuck in their negative feelings and beat themselves up too much, seeing themselves as a failure..
Causes of perfectionism
What are some of the causes of such an unhealthy perfectionist attitude?
These are some:
Rigid, high parental expectations
Highly critical, shaming, or abusive parents
Excessive praise for your achievements
Low self-esteem or feeling inadequate
Believing your self-worth is determined by your achievements
Consequences of perfectionism
Perfectionism has some serious consequences for us, including:
Procrastination. Our desire to be perfect, to get everything organized just the way we want, leads to decreased productivity. That procrastination creates more stress and anxiety for us. We delay doing projects timely because we are so worried about making them just right.
Stress and anxiety. We put so much pressure on ourselves as perfectionists. We make ourselves more vulnerable to other problems, including anxiety, depression and frustration. To compound the problem, as perfectionists, we always want to appear to be “in control,” so we try to hide the stress and anxiety that we feel, which only makes it worse.
Health problems. At times, perfectionists can develop health issues, including eating problems, and stress-related health conditions, as well as mental health issues.
Impaired relationships. Our perfectionism can cause strained relationships with our family, friends and coworkers. Our high standards put stress and pressure on those around us. It is hard to turn our controlling perfectionist attitude off with others. When we bring that into those relationships, they can be damaged as well.
Not present in the moment. Perfectionists worry so much about controlling the outcome, and making things just perfect, they can get stuck in their head. We often are not focused on the present and are not mindful. That accentuates the feeling of procrastination and disappointment.
In short, perfectionism never helps us. It affects our productivity, relationships and our mental health.
1O Steps in Overcoming Perfectionism
Are you tired of being your own worst enemy?
Here are some strategies to help:
Self-awareness. It’s important to become aware of your perfectionist thoughts and tendencies. Be mindful of your thoughts. Perhaps even write them down to understand them better. Once we realize how perfectionism works in us, we are more able to change our self-talk around our need to be perfect.
Challenge your inner critic and discard your negative thoughts. We can be so self-critical, can’t we? We allow negative thoughts to enter our heads (“I am not good enough”). Don’t let your desire to be excellent be the cause of our struggles. Negative self talk hurts both our emotional well-being and our productivity.
Accept your mistakes. We all make mistakes! It’s okay. It is not the end of the world. Failing does not make us failures. Our mistakes are opportunities for us to learn, grow and improve. Every mistake teaches us important lessons that we don’t learn from an unqualified success.
Be positive! We struggle sometimes with focusing on the negative aspects of our work performance and of ourselves. Instead, make a conscious effort to recognize what we do well. Even write down a list of some of the things we do that are positive and helpful.
Have a reality check. Perfectionists tend to set goals that are unattainable. Our standards are too high, even impossible. Instead, visualize goals that are achievable and measurable. We will feel less stress and more confident when our goals are reasonable.
Accept criticism. Perfectionists struggle with receiving helpful comments from others. Sometimes perfectionists take criticism personally. But constructive criticism can help us to improve. Try to accept that healthy criticism can be important for our growth. Mistakes happen and are normal.
Don’t pressure yourself. Sometimes the worst pressure we feel is what we put on ourselves. Be patient with yourself. Lower the unattainable standards you may have set for yourself. Be proud of how well you do your work.
Don’t procrastinate. Perfectionists frequently procrastinate. We give ourselves all sorts of excuses to delay completing our project. Our desire to be perfect stops us from completing our projects. It not only hurts our productivity but creates stress. So calendar your projects; focus on them, and get them done timely.
Strive for excellence. Let go of seeking perfection. Instead, try to be excellent in your field. That allows room for mistakes and for some failures, but encourages you to still strive to achieve the goals you want.
Do not expect others to be perfect. One of the worst things about perfectionism is we may impose that attitude on those around us. We expect them to execute at a level of perfection as well. That impairs our relationships and the performance of others. Not only should we adjust our expectation of ourselves, but we also should not hold others to that standard of perfection.
Conclusion
Perfectionism is real, particularly for high achieving lawyers and other professionals. In our desire to excel, we go overboard and create standards for ourselves that are impossible to achieve. That creates stress and leads to procrastination. We can control our perfectionist tendencies by setting reasonable standards, accepting our failures, and striving for excellence.
Which of these tips are most helpful to you?
I am working with attorneys and other professionals to help them be as successful and fulfilled in their profession as they want. I would love to learn more about you, your challenges and your goals. If you would like to chat, please set up a complementary discovery call with me here: https://calendly.com/garymiles-successcoach/one-one-discovery-call