Never Assume Anything
“Assumptions are nothing more than lies that we are telling ourselves. This creates a big drama for nothing, because we don’t really know if something is true or not.”
-Don Miguel Ruiz
Have you ever invited someone else for an evening, and they said no without an explanation, and you began to wonder why? Have you done something wrong? Really upset you about something? You began to assume that they no longer liked you or wanted to have a relationship with you, and you keep telling yourself that story.
Or, have you ever called someone or texted and they did not return your message? And called again, and still no return calls. What did you do wrong? Why were they avoiding you? Are they agitated at you about something?
We frequently cause ourselves pain by making assumptions about other people, their feelings, emotions, and actions. We do not know if those assumptions are true, and they are often very negative. We place ourselves in a negative mindset by assuming the worst.
Does that ever happen to you? If so, you are not alone. In this episode, we will examine the problem with making such assumptions, why we make assumptions, how we benefit from not making assumptions, and six tools to help us not make assumptions.
Today, we examine the third of Don Miguel Ruiz’s four agreements, “don’t make assumptions.” Ruiz suggests four agreements as tools for living:
The Four Agreements
Be Impeccable With Your Word.
Don't Take Anything Personally.
Don't Make Assumptions.
Always Do Your Best.
One of the most important is the third, which we examine today.
What problems do we encounter when we start making assumptions?
This is how assumptions work. One assumption leads to another and then to another. We jump to a conclusion and take it personally. We then judge the other person and get angry at them.Our last step is we start blaming the other person. This is all a story. We do not know if any of it is true. In fact, it probably is not. We have created it all in our minds. And what does this do to us?
First, it causes us pain. Our feelings are hurt, and we are upset and angry at the other person. All for no reason. And we do this constantly, creating our own negative emotions of hurt because we made these assumptions.We feel frustrated and we start to blame the other person. This is all a story we made up in our mind.
It also affects our relationships. We have negativity in our connections with other people, by making assumptions about what they think and feel. It hinders our communication and causes those relationships to be fractured.
We also lose our personal freedom. All of a sudden, we are controlled by the story we tell ourselves about what other people are feeling about us when we do not even know it to be true.
We always harm ourselves by making assumptions.
Why do we make assumptions?
It does not seem to make much sense to assume what someone else feels about us, which we don’t know to be the truth, thereby causing us our pain. So why do we do it? There are several reasons.
Insecurity. Our negative assumptions are a reflection of our insecurity. We feel less than others and assume if someone doesn’t see us on an evening or does not return our call, it must be because there is something wrong with us.
Ego. Our assumptions are all based on ego and self-absorption. We always believe that whatever happens in the other person’s world must be because of us. They may not be coming to see us that evening because they have other plans, or they may have forgotten to call us back or are unable to because of something in their life. But our ego tells us it is all about us.
Hard on ourselves. We are often so hard on ourselves, criticizing ourselves and always believing the worst. We assume there must be something wrong with us.
Control. Often our assumptions are an effort to control the other person. We believe we have the right to tell them (or assume) what their feelings are. Their feelings belong to them; our feelings belong to us. But once we assume what another person is doing, thinking, and feeling, it is a failed effort to control them.
Why should we not assume anything?
These are four big reasons to stop assuming:
Reality. When we stop making assumptions about other people in their feelings, we now start to live in reality. We live in the truth. Reality is far better than the negative story we create and tell ourselves repeatedly.
Happiness. We live in greater happiness and joy when we stop making negative assumptions about other people. We feel much less stress, anxiety, and negative emotions.
Better relationships. Our relationships with others improve when we stop making assumptions about them and their feelings. We are more accepting and positive and live less in blame and accusation.
Freedom. Perceived stories about other people no longer control us. We become much free of our worry about them and their thoughts.
How do we learn to stop assuming?
We all can see the problems with making assumptions in life. So how do we stop doing it? Here are six tools:
Self-awareness. We know what goes on in our minds. Be conscious of our thoughts. Are we starting to make assumptions about the other person and their feelings? If so, when we realize we are doing so, we can choose to stop.
Ask for clarification. Instead of assuming what someone feels or why they did or did not do something, ask! There is nothing wrong with doing so. It improves communication and clears up any misunderstandings. So often, we will find that what we thought was going on was not.
Speak our truth. Often, we assume people know what we want, and they do not; or we assume they know what we are feeling, and likewise, they do not. Speak our truth. Let people know our wants, needs, and feelings. It improves communication.
Practice self-compassion. Forgive ourselves. Be kind to ourselves. Often, we are our own worst critics. We assume the negative about ourselves and what other people think about us. Instead, give ourselves a break that we deserve.
Focus on the truth. Forget the story we tell ourselves. What are the facts that we know? Just choose to believe the facts, the reality, instead of the assumptions we create.
Choose positive thoughts. If we are going to make some choice about what the other person feels, choose the positive thoughts. Assume that their feelings about us are good, that they like us, that there is no problem, etc. If we have to assume, always choose positive thoughts.
CONCLUSION
We often cause ourselves our own pain by assuming others feel or know what we want and need. When we learn to ask for clarification, focus on the truth, and choose positive thoughts instead of negative ones, we are in a much happier place, a place of personal freedom.
Does this resonate with you?