Break Out of the Prison of People Pleasing
Have you ever been asked to do something for someone, said yes, and then resented that you had to do it? Has someone ever complained to you about something, and you said "I'm sorry," when you did not actually think you did anything wrong? If so, you may encounter what is commonly called "people pleasing." In itself, it is not a bad thing, but it can lead to frustration, resentment, and losing connection with who we really are. Many of us have suffered from people-pleasing. I know I have.
In this edition of The Free Lawyer newsletter, I will explain what people pleasing is, 9 symptoms of people pleasing, 9 negative effects of it, and 10 tangible suggestions for overcoming it. This is a lengthy article but very worth a read. What is most helpful to you?
What is People Pleasing
Merriam-Webster defines "people pleaser" as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.” A people pleaser is someone we often find appealing, someone who is kind, helpful, considerate and agreeable. They are the ones who often step up and say "sure" when someone needs help. If that sounds like you, you may be a people pleaser.
That sounds good, doesn't it? It does, but at some point, constantly making yourself available to others can take an emotional toll. You may find that you neglect your own needs because you do not want to disappoint others when they ask for your help. People pleasers need validation from others to feel good about themselves. They can go to extremes to earn praise from others. The confidence of a people pleaser rises and falls based on how others perceive them. For many, the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues. They hope that saying yes to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked. Don't we all want to be liked?
It is of course quite normal to want to make others happy and to be positively regarded. There's nothing inherently wrong with being nice or kind to others. Indeed, it's a valuable trait.
But it can create problems for us when we do it primarily to avoid disappointing others or to create for ourselves an ideal image. A lot of people-pleasers purposely choose do so mostly because they are afraid of upsetting others. It is a great way to avoid conflict, but in the long run it will leave you feeling drained and unhappy. Somewhere along the way, people pleasers decide that everyone else’s needs are more important than their own. They forget their own needs and goals. They then end up feeling resentful, dissatisfied, and depressed. It's hard to be true to yourself when you're always choosing to act based on what you think other people want.
What Are the Causes of People-Pleasing?
Before we can stop being a people-pleaser, we should understand some of the reasons for this kind of behavior. There are a number of factors that might play a role, including:
Poor self-esteem: Sometimes we engage in people-pleasing behavior because we don't value who we are and our own desires and needs. Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers seek external validation. They believe that helping others will lead to approval and acceptance.
Insecurity: In other cases, we might try to please others because we are concerned that we won't be liked if we do not go the extra mile to make others happy.
Perfectionism: Sometimes we want everything to be just perfect including how other people feel about us.
Past experiences: Painful, difficult, or traumatic experiences may also play a role. We may have experienced some events in out life that cause us to seek approval in others.
What Are the Signs of a People Pleaser?
So how do you know whether you’re just a nice person or someone who fits the profile of a people pleaser? It’s one thing to want to help others because it's part of your nature. But people pleasers often end up being taken advantage of by others. Signs you may be a people pleaser include:
Agreeing with whoever is in front of us. Agreeability often seems like a surefire way to win approval. Many of us politely listen to others because it is a good social practice. However, it can become people-pleasing behavior if we constantly agree with people because we want to earn their approval, and not because you believe what you are saying. Pretending to agree just to be liked can cause us to behave in ways that conflicts with our values.
Apologizing for things that aren’t our fault. People pleasers often make themselves responsible for the emotional responses of others. If someone feels bad, we may blame ourselves or worry that person thinks we are the reason they feel bad. Are you always ready with a “sorry!” when something goes wrong? People-pleasers accept blame, even when what happened has nothing to do with them. Whether you excessively blame yourself, or worry other people are always blaming you, frequent apologies can be a sign of a bigger problem. It’s good to say we are sorry if we hurt someone. But, there is a deeper issue if we frequently apologize for things we have no control over, or were not our responsibility. You don’t have to be sorry for being you.
Not being able to say no. If you find it difficult to tell others no when they ask you for something, you may be a people pleaser. Do you ever find you say "yes" to doing something that you really do not want to do, and indeed may resent afterwards that you have to do it? You might worry that telling someone “no” will make them think you do not care about them. Agreeing to do what they want might seem like a safer option, even if you do not actually have the time or inclination to help. Many people pleasers prefer making up excuses later to get out of a commitment instead of saying no from the start. If you do follow through, you can regret not having the strength to stand up for yourself and say no from the beginning. A pattern of this can cause problems, since it tells people their needs come before yours.
Changing our personality depending on who is around us. People pleasers tend to shift their behavior and attitude to match that of the person or group. We act how we think others want us to act. We act one way with one group of people, and a different way with another person. That can lead to acting in ways that are out of character or participating in unhealthy actions just to fit in socially. People pleasers tend to do anything possible to curry favor, even if it means turning into an entirely different person.
You feel responsible for how other people feel. It’s healthy to recognize how your behavior influences others. But thinking you have the power to make someone happy is a problem. It’s up to each individual to be in charge of their own emotions.
You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you. People-pleasing tends to involve a fear of anger. Just because someone is upset does not necessarily mean you did anything wrong. But if you cannot tolerate the thought that someone is upset with you, you may be more likely to compromise your values.
We need praise to feel good. While kind words can make us all feel good, people pleasers need validation. If our self-worth rests entirely on what others think about us, we will feel good only when others shower us with compliments.
You go to great lengths to avoid conflict. It is one thing not to want to start a fight. But avoiding conflict at all costs means that you’ll struggle to stand up for the who and what you really believe in.
You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt. We cannot form genuine relationships with people unless we are willing to speak up and say that our feelings are hurt. Denying that we are hurt, sad, embarrassed, or disappointed — when we are emotionally wounded — harms our relationships and ourselves.
Effects of Being a People-Pleaser
If you’re in a constant people pleaser mode, you can lose sight of who you are. You may have no idea of what truly makes you happy. People-pleasing isn’t inherently negative, but trying to earn the regard of others usually means you neglect your own needs and feelings. In a way, you’re putting on an act. You’re doing what you think people want so they like you. You might only pretend to enjoy helping, since this is part of keeping people happy. This isn’t exactly honest, and over time, people-pleasing can hurt you and your relationships.
Constant people-pleasing behavior can lead to:
Lack of self-care. Constantly devoting yourself to meeting the needs of others can cause you to neglect your own. You may find yourself getting sick or mentally burned out from the pressure of trying to please everyone.
Built-up resentment. You may find yourself bottling up anger because you feel that people take advantage of you. That can lead you to make passive-aggressive comments and show your frustration. You may isolate from people instead of letting them know what’s going on and working to improve the situation.
Anger and Frustration. While you might actually enjoy helping, you are also bound to experience frustration when you are doing things reluctantly or out of obligation. These feelings can lead to a cycle of helping someone, feeling mad at them for taking advantage, and then feeling regretful or sorry for yourself.
Anxiety and Stress. Efforts to keep other people happy can stretch your own physical and mental resources too thin. Trying to manage it all can leave you plagued with stress and anxiety, which can have detrimental effects on your health.
Depleted Willpower. Devoting all of your energy and mental resources toward making sure that others are happy means you are less likely to have the resolve and willpower to tackle your own goals.
Lack of Authenticity. People-pleasers will often hide their own needs and preferences in order to accommodate other people. You may feel as if you are not living your life authentically; or you may lose touch with who you really are.
Weaker Relationships. Healthy, strong relationships are balanced and involve give-and-take. You do nice things for loved ones, and they do the same for you. You probably won’t have very fulfilling relationships when people like you only because you do nice things for them. If you are putting all of your efforts into making sure that you meet other people's expectations, you may find yourself feeling resentful. While people might appreciate your giving nature, they may also begin to take your kindness and attentiveness for granted.
People take advantage of you. Some people will quickly recognize and take advantage of people-pleasing tendencies. They may not be able to name the behavior. But they do know you’ll agree to whatever they ask, so they’ll keep on asking. And you keep saying yes, because you want to keep them happy. But this can have serious consequences, affecting your time, finances, and emotional wellbeing.
Burnout. One huge impact of people-pleasing is burnout. This can easily happen when you take on more than you can handle for others. You don’t just lose out on time for yourself. You also find yourself with less time for things you really need to do. To get the bare essentials taken care of, you might end up working longer hours or going without sleep, eventually facing physical consequences of worry and stress.
How to Break Out of the Prison of People Pleasing
When people-pleasers recognize the traps they set for themselves, it becomes easier to avoid those old habits in favor of new ones. How do we break out of this prison? Here are 10 tangible tips:
Learn to say "NO. " Sometimes people-pleasing can become such a deeply ingrained habit that you have to tell yourself that it is okay to say "no". It's okay to put yourself first and say "no" if someone asks you for something you don't want to do. Start getting out of the people-pleasing habit by saying no to something small. You also need to stop saying "yes" when you are doing it just because the other person is asking you for help. The most important part about this is reminding yourself that saying "no" when you mean it isn't being selfish, it's taking care of yourself.
Set healthy boundaries. People-pleasers are often unaware of the boundaries they need to set in their lives. But you can start by noticing what you are doing. This simple strategy can allow you to remain true to yourself without feeling the need to please everyone. Boundaries give you the ability to say "no" when another person asks for help or takes advantage of your time. Remember, you are not selfish--you are just confident enough in who you are that you understand you do not have to agree with someone's requests all the time.
Remember that you can't please everyone. It is a tough pill to swallow, but you have to understand that you can't make everybody happy. The simple truth is that you can't please everyone all the time because people's needs are different from person to person. Acting a certain way to please one person may upset or offend someone else. Instead, try to act authentically and people who like the true you will appreciate you for who you are.
Learn to be assertive and stand up for yourself.There are times when people don't know that they're bothering you. They might be your friends or family, and they might have good intentions. But if you've had enough, it's time to take a stand. It's important not to let others dictate how you live your life and how you feel about yourself. Being assertive will help you set boundaries and make sure that those boundaries are respected by others around you.
Accept yourself. When you give in to people-pleasing, you lose touch with who you are. You start to believe that your value can be measured by what other people think of you. But this is not the case. The more time and energy you spend trying to please someone else, the less time and energy you have for yourself or the things that matter most to you. The best way out of this situation is to stop caring about what others think of us and fully accept ourselves as we are. Part of accepting yourself is acknowledging your strengths and weaknesses and using them to your advantage. When you accept yourself for who you are, everyone else will eventually follow suit.
Be more honest about your feelings. Being honest is the best policy! In life you will face rejection at some point, and you should be ready for that. However, if you are honest with people, it will open up new doors for you.
Make yourself a priority. It is important to know how much can be given for free before being taken advantage of or resenting the people who take up so much of our time. It is about understanding what you want out of life, making that your first priority, and accomplishing it by not letting other people's needs come first all the time. You should make yourself a priority by putting your needs first, even if that means disappointing someone else who has asked something of you that is difficult or feels like more than you can handle.
Check your motives. Are you acting a certain way, saying yes, or being agreeable just to win favor or to please others? Or, are you doing what you want? Is it consistent with your values, goals and beliefs? Help when you really want to help. You don’t need to give up being kind and thoughtful. Those are desirable qualities that can contribute to strong, lasting relationships. The key is to examine your intentions. Don’t do things only because you fear rejection or want the approval of others.
Set your personal goals. Consider where you want to spend your time. Who do you want to help? What goals are you trying to accomplish? Knowing your priorities can help you determine whether or not you have the time and energy to devote to something.
Reflect before responding. If someone asks for a favor, tell them you need some time to think about it. Say something like "I don't know, let me think about it, I will get back to you." Saying "yes" right away can leave you feeling obligated and overcommitted, but taking your time to respond to a request can give you the time to evaluate it and decide if it's something you really want to do.
Which of these tips is most helpful to you?
I am working with attorneys and other professionals to help them be as successful and fulfilled in their profession as they want. I would love to learn more about you, your challenges and your goals. If you would like to chat, please set up a complementary discovery call with me here: https://calendly.com/garymiles-successcoach/one-one-discovery-call