You Are Never Alone
YOU ARE NEVER ALONE
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.”
-Zen Proverb
Have you, or anyone you know or care about, ever felt hopeless or that you had lost control? That there was some power running your life that was stronger than you? Or that you were controlled by some force that was holding you back?
Many of us have struggled with losing power to some negative force, such as addiction or depression. For example, I have suffered from alcoholism. Unfortunately, we also often suffer silently, feeling like we are alone and that our life is hopeless.
The legal profession confronts incredible struggles with addiction, substance abuse, depression, and other mental health challenges. But, unfortunately, many who face such obstacles do so alone and secretly.
It does not have to be that way. In this newsletter, I will discuss what our legal profession faces, share my personal story with addiction and recovery, and give five critical principles for us to focus on as we try to free ourselves or someone we care about from this prison. We can all transform our world from a dying caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly.
Please understand that some of this newsletter is intensely personal, but it is important to me and others.
Challenges to Lawyer Well-being
In the 2017 ABA report of the National Task Forsworn Lawyer Well-being, the committee highlighted the fantastic challenges faced by the legal profession. These include:
21-36% Problem drinkers
28% Depression
19% Anxiety
23% Elevated stress
25% Work addiction
High suicide rate
Sleep deprivation
Work-life conflict
Job dissatisfaction
These challenges are daunting. But, we can have a life where we are physically healthy and mentally thriving. We can contribute to society and help solve our clients' problems. We can feel connected and find fulfillment. We can be engaged at work, emotionally intelligent, and willing to seek help. How?
My Recovery Story
I was born in a loving, middle-class family in Baltimore. Drinking was a way of life. Cocktails before dinner were common. At a family party, we offered you a drink. When your glass was empty, we would refill it.
I continued that custom when I married and moved out of the home. I came home from the law office and had a nightly drink. It was, from my perspective, my choice at that time. Somewhere, I crossed the line. At some point, it became something I had to do rather than what I chose to do. I would decide to have only one drink but would have many more. Finally, I decided I would not have a drink at all and instead had many. I seemed to lose the ability to control my drinking. I was powerless over alcohol.
What once had been fun and social now became scary and drudgery. I became drunk on a nightly basis. I would wake up at 4 a.m. with tired eyes, red-faced, and a pounding headache, wondering how I did that again. I would toss and turn and not be able to get back to sleep. I would go to the office and not be present mentally, shaking, or scared. My performance suffered. I began to decide almost every day that I was not going to drink that day. During the day, that resolve faded, and I decided tonight would be different; I would be able to drink successfully. It was no different. I would get drunk yet again.
My drinking became progressive, controlling, excessive, and problematic. I would find ways to be away from my family to drink. Finally, I told my wife I was no longer drinking; I was going to stop, and I meant that!! But I was not able to. So I found a way to drink secretly, in my home, to get drunk almost daily, but to act as if I was sober. It was not easy. It was hell.
I began to be consumed by fear. I was afraid of things that were not scary, seeing an acquaintance walk down the street and receiving the daily mail. I was consumed by pain, guilt, and remorse. I decided not to drink but was utterly powerless. Drinking became a 24/7 problem: waking up hungover and sick; deciding I was not going to drink; wrestling with that issue; convincing myself today would be different; figuring out how I could drink and get drunk without getting caught; drinking in secret; getting drunk; passing out; and beginning the cycle all over again.
Finally, I had an event that caused me to realize I simply could not go on anymore. I could not imagine my life drinking as I had been, but I also could not visualize not drinking. I had a very intense and personal conversation with my 15-year-old goddaughter and niece at a family party. The following day, I remembered nothing of the conversation. That was the first time I had what I later learned was a blackout. It scared me. I rely on my mental faculties to perform in my profession, and to think I could not remember something important from the night before was frightening. A family member had preceded me into recovery and had given me a directory of recovery meetings. I decided that Monday night years ago to attend my first meeting. I realized I wanted what they had. They were happy, hopeful, honest, sincere, and accountable. I was none of those.
If it worked for them, it could work for me. Their stories lifted me, encouraged me, and gave me hope. I began to envision a life without the obsession and compulsion to drink. I then started an active program of recovery. Recovery has truly transformed my life. I enjoy more confidence, hope, responsibility, and accountability. In my law practice, I am focused, respectful, and compassionate. Sobriety has washed away the terrible fear that I felt daily.
The greatest gift of all is that I no longer have to drink. The overwhelming obsession and compulsion to drink have been lifted. Alcohol has no power in my life anymore as long as I remain active in recovery.
Finally, there are tools to help those who want to get better. I have seen some fantastic miracles of recovery, growth, and transformation. It works. It really works. It worked for me. It will work for anyone who wants a better life.
The stories of recovery that I was told fueled my transformation. Don’t hesitate ever to ask for support. I will continue to enjoy these gifts as long as I do a few simple things. I must continue practicing my recovery program, remain spiritually sound, and not pick up the first drink. I have been freed from the prison in which alcohol trapped me. I can now live a happy, joyous and free life. My relationships with my family, friends, and coworkers are real, honest, and true.
I later began actively supporting the mission of the Maryland State Bar Association’s Lawyer's Assistance Committee. We actively, but confidentially and anonymously, seek to help attorneys and judges in Maryland with mental health issues, whether depression, anxiety, or addiction. There is help available.
Important Keys to Freedom From Our Prison
Do you, or someone you know, care about orwork with, struggle with addiction, substance abuse, depression or stress? Five key principles give us hope and are the key to creating a life of greater freedom. I have learned that each and every one of these is absolutely true
You are never alone. When I was in my prison of addiction, I felt I was the only one. No one was like me. It was a terrible secret. But I learned there is a world full of people who had experienced what I did, shared my feelings, and created a beautiful new life. You too are not the only one. There are others who have been where you are now and who are willing to help.
It does not have to be this way. I felt hopeless. I could not see the solution. For me, I had no vision of a world where I was not controlled by alcohol. But I’ve learned that wherever you are, whatever pain you are feeling, whatever prison traps you, it does not have to be that way.
There is always a solution. You may feel hopeless, but trust me; there is an answer. Always.
There is help. Many men and women have experienced what you have, managed it, and transformed their lives. They will help and support you. There are professionals trained to help those suffering from mental health issues who can show you a better way.
Willingness is the key. If you want to enjoy a different life, you simply have to be willing to ask. Seek support. On a confidential basis, tell someone you know where you are, what is going on, and how you are struggling. The solution will then present itself.
Conclusion
Mental health is a complicated topic that many prefer to avoid discussing. But I have learned how critically important it is. My life has been transformed. Yours can be as well. If any of you are suffering, or if you have a loved one or someone you care about who is, know that there is a solution if they are willing to ask for help. We can all become butterflies.