Have you ever had a crisis at work, someone made a mistake, and the boss gets very angry, perhaps screaming, reacts rashly, and blames the person who was at fault? Never seeing his part in it? 

Or in the same scenario, have you ever seen the leader respond thoughtfully, is empathetic with the person who made the mistake, and incorporates the team in finding a solution to achieve better results in the future?

What is the difference between these two scenarios? It is what is frequently called “emotional intelligence.” In this edition of The Free Lawyer newsletter, I will explain what emotional intelligence is, what its characteristics are, how someone behaves when they are acting with low emotional intelligence, how emotional intelligence benefits us, and how to develop our skills of emotional intelligence.

WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?

Emotional intelligence (also referred to as “EI”) refers to the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, and of others you interact with. People with a high degree of emotional intelligence understand  what they're feeling, what their emotions mean, and how these emotions can affect other people around them. 

When you have good emotional intelligence, you understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate more effectively, empathize with others, withstand challenges and resolve conflict. Emotional intelligence helps you build stronger relationships, be more successful in your profession, and achieve your career goals. It promotes your being more aware of your own feelings. You take action on your personal vision and make responsible choices about what matters most to you.

These are generally considered the most important attributes of emotional intelligence:

1. Self-management. You control your emotions, and respond appropriately to the emotions of others. You restrain the urge to act impulsively. You are flexible and adapt to different circumstances as they are presented. You seldom verbally attack others, do not make rash or emotional decisions, or jump to conclusions. You keep your emotions under control. 

2. Self-awareness.  You recognize your own emotions and understand how they affect your feelings and actions. You understand your strengths and weaknesses, and have self-confidence. You are aware of how you feel. You understand how your emotions and your actions affect those around you. You have a good understanding of your strengths and weaknesses and generally respond to situations with humility.

3. Motivation. A person with high emotional intelligence is highly motivated, and has a passion for personal development. You are driven to accomplish your personal goals of success. You want to satisfy your vision, not so much because of money or recognition, but because it helps you to grow Individually. 

4. Empathy. You consider and empathize with the feelings and emotions of those around you. You think about how you would feel and respond if you were in their situation. You are not self-centered. You understand the emotions of the other person. You imagine how they may feel, and are compassionate about the circumstances they are experiencing. You do not judge other people. You are aware that we are all doing our best with the circumstances we face.

5. Social skills. You know how to maintain good relationships with other people, you communicate clearly, you work well as part of a team, you inspire other people, and know how to manage conflict. You are adept at  active listening, and know how to develop a connection with those around you. You maintain good eye contact, listen carefully, and have a welcoming body language. You understand the needs of others when there’s a situation of conflict. You are good at managing change and resolving conflicts. You lead others by example. You know how to get others to support you and to embrace change and growth.

What are some examples of high emotional intelligence?

• You accept constructive criticism

• You are responsible in managing your tasks

• You do not judge others

• You understand why you take certain actions and feel certain ways

• You are a great listener

• You openly share your feelings

• You know how to say no at the right time

• When you make a mistake, you understand it, learn from it, and move forward

• You find solutions to problems that satisfy the needs of the various parties

• You are adept at resolving conflict

• You are empathetic with others

SO, WHAT DOES LOW EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE LOOK LIKE?

That all sounds wonderful.. But what are the characteristics of a person with low emotional intelligence?

Highly opinionated. A person with lower emotional intelligence thinks he is always right. He frequently argues with other people. He is not interested in listening to the opinions of others. He is not good at expressing emotions and responding to the opinions or feelings of other people. He has difficulty learning and growing from his own mistakes.

Insensitive. This is that person who always says the wrong thing at the wrong time. He makes a joke when it is completely inappropriate. He is unaware of the feelings of other people. He lacks empathy for others.

Blames others. He is not accountable for his own actions. He is always looking for someone to blame. Nothing is ever his fault. He always wants to be right. He is the first person to point the finger at someone else. 

Unmotivated. A person with low emotional intelligence is frequently unmotivated. He has a hard time handling challenges with which he is faced and in coping with emotional situations. He often hides his feelings. He does not respond well to the circumstances with which he is confronted.

Emotionally explosive. He cannot control or manage his own emotions. He “flies off the handle.” When he is upset, he explodes emotionally and negatively. He often has uncontrollable emotional outbursts. He is easily triggered and upset. When things do not go his way, he is quite bothered and frequently manifests that in an emotional tirade. He does not understand what he is feeling or why. 

Self-centered. He always wants to be the center of attention. He thinks he is better than everyone else. He always wants to tell you how good he is. His achievements are always better than yours. He wants to do  most of the talking, and almost always about himself. He is not interested in asking about you or how you are feeling.

Relationship problems. Because he cannot develop an emotional connection with other people, he tends to have very few friends. His relationships are frequently unsuccessful and short-lived. 

HOW DO WE BUILD GREATER EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?

Obviously, we see the benefits of emotional intelligence. We perform better in our career and are more successful. We feel better, both physically and mentally. We have stronger relationships. We connect with other people and the world around us. So how do we become more emotionally intelligent?

1. Reflect before responding. When presented with a challenge, constantly choose to take a step back, pause and reflect. Do not quickly react. Evaluate your emotions and those of the other party. When you feel a strong emotion, consider why you are feeling that way. Understanding your own emotions increases your emotional awareness. Reflect on how your emotions influence your decisions and behaviors. Choose an appropriate response. 

2. Practice empathy. Put yourself in the other person’s  shoes. Try to understand what they are feeling and why. Consider how you would feel if you were in their circumstances. Express your understanding of their feelings.

3. Develop your listening skills. To really understand what the other person is feeling, you must first pay close attention. Listen carefully. Look the other person in the eyes, have an open demeanor, and pay attention to their words as well as their body language.

4. Be accountable and responsible. If you make a mistake, own up to it. Accept responsibility for your actions or choices that did not work out well. Do not blame.

5. Commit to your goals. Understand where you want to get to and why. Know that there will be challenges along the way, and that you can learn and grow from each of them.

6. Praise often. Compliment others when appropriate. Learn how to praise others when it is deserved.

7. Be mindful. Be aware of the emotions and feelings of others and of yourself. Be present, and open to both understanding your feelings and of those around you. Focus your attention on the present moment without any judgment.

8. Learn from your mistakes. If you handled something wrong, or did not respond appropriately, consider what happened and what you learned from that. Reflect on how you will handle the situation differently the next time.

9. Manage conflict. See conflict as a way to grow closer to the other person involved. Disagreements are normal and inevitable, and  sometimes lead to growth. See what can be learned in each conflict. Look for a mutual resolution that satisfies both parties. Build trust with the other parties involved by seeking a common solution.

How can you best develop your emotional intelligence?