As the New Year has started, we can reflect on where we are and where we are headed. Have you ever felt confused or lost? Or trying to figure out how to get there? Have you felt frustrated and wondering why? Have you felt stressed? Would it be good to ask for support but are unsure who to ask or how to ask?

Those feelings are not at all unusual. Most of us have felt that way at times. We know we need help and guidance but are afraid to ask for it. In this week’s newsletter, I will share my varied experiences with mentorship; explain why it is difficult to ask for support; discuss the right and wrong ways to ask for assistance; and provide six gifts of obtaining the guidance we deserve.

My Experience with Mentorship

I have learned the benefits of receiving the right coaching from the right person at the right time. My dad had always been my mentor. He was constantly supportive, providing loving guidance, and always there for me. There was a real emptiness when he passed because he was one person I always turned to for support.

I have been an avid golfer my whole life. I played for my high school team and my college team. By now, I have played for over 50 years. I should understand the sport perfectly well by now. But beginning when I was 13, I have always had a golf pro who coached me in the game. I literally have had a golf coach every year since, including to the present. While I understand the game, I seldom perceive what I am doing wrong or where I am off track. That coaching helps me better understand how to improve, play better, and have more confidence and fun.

My brother, Gene, who became an attorney eight years before me, guided me throughout my legal career. He advised me about my career, networking, handling cases, knowledge of local judges and lawyers, and much more. He was one of the most highly respected attorneys in our area. 

I began my journey in sobriety over 30 years ago. Not only did I struggle with addiction to alcohol, but my thinking was way out of balance. I was full of self-centeredness, shame, and guilt. I have always had a sponsor who has helped me to understand how to live life sober and to change my ways of acting and living. Now I see reality as it is, and I respond appropriately. My sponsor helps me to live life on life's terms. It has indeed been invaluable.

More recently, I entered a new field in my practice of law. I had always been a very successful personal injury trial attorney, primarily on the defense side. However, 14 years ago, I embarked on a new career as a family law attorney. I wanted to be of more direct and personal help to my clients. I was insecure and uncomfortable, knowing very little about that area of law. A fellow attorney who I had known for some years became my mentor. He provided me with forms, told me about the critical cases in the most important areas, and answered numerous questions about handling a specific, unique situation my client was facing. When I was stuck, he helped me. I am very grateful to him for the service he has provided to me. He has helped me become an independent, confident, highly regarded family law attorney.

These experiences have taught me the amazing benefits of having a coach who supports us on our journey. Yet, it is often hard to ask for the help we need.

The Difficulty in Asking for Support

Why is it so hard to ask for help? Primarily fear. We often know we could benefit from guidance from an independent third party, but we are afraid to. In my field of law, we learn to be confident, independent, competent, and in charge. The thought that we need someone to help us conflicts with our identity as attorneys. We worry we that others will see us as weak or incompetent. Our culture honors self-help and independence. We fear that seeking help will undermine our confidence, make us question our abilities, or create anxiety. Sometimes, we need to be self-aware enough to know that some coaching would be helpful to us. But, more importantly, even when we do, we are afraid of how we might look if we ask someone for help.

Of course, those feelings, while real and understandable, are not accurate. No one thinks less of us when we ask for help. We should never let that unwarranted fear stop us from obtaining the support we need.

The Right and Wrong Way to Ask for Support

Often we ask for help in the wrong ways. For example, we tell the other person how much they will enjoy helping us. We portray our needs as small and insignificant. We may even remind the other person that they owe us a favor. Or, we talk about how much their help will benefit us. 

Instead of seeking help from a spirit of self-centeredness, we should be more open and transparent. We would be concise and specific in what we are asking for and communicate our needs. We should not apologize for seeking support. Everyone needs help sometimes, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. When we ask for support, it should be done face-to-face or on a call. We let the other person know why that person's skills, background, and experience make him particularly uniquely suited to be helpful. And after getting the coaching we need, we should let the other party know how grateful we are and how helpful it was. Finally, we should share the results of their support.

Six Gifts of Getting the Support We Need

When we become aware that we need some coaching and have decided to ask for and accept it, the benefits can be incredible. The goals we have set for ourselves are now more easily achievable, and our path to accomplishing our vision is clearer. These are six tangible gifts of accepting coaching:

1. It deepens relationships. Sharing ourselves transparently, seeking their assistance, listening to their guidance,  and growing professionally create a deeper and exceptional relationship. We have become more open, and the mentor appreciates that. Others perceive us as being trusting and honest. Our coach appreciates both our candor and the opportunity to be of support. It creates a common bond that is unique and special.

2. It is the hallmark of a successful professional. All those who have been successful have been willing to be mentored and taught by others. It is a sign of a successful, confident professional to be ready to seek help, improve and grow.

3. It builds resilience. Without support, we are fragile and uncertain. We do not have a sense of direction nor know how to overcome the obstacles we face. With proper coaching, we facilitate our personal growth and development. As a result, we will become more resilient and know how to overcome our setbacks and obtain the guidance from others that allows us to continue growing.

4. We develop a growth mindset. We break out of the pattern of thinking, "I am not good at that," or "this is a task that is beyond me." Our performance improves. We grow and expand. We can achieve things that previously seemed impossible to us.

5. It improves our emotional stability. We are no longer fragile. We connect with a coach who helps us to understand what is going on and how to handle it. As a result, our confidence and self-awareness grow. We are no longer isolated and filled with worry and doubt. We have the support we need and know who to turn to when we need guidance.

6. Others appreciate our strength in asking for help. Vulnerability is a character trait that is now widely valued. Those around us see it as a sign of courage when we ask for the support we need to be as successful as we want.

Final thoughts

We should never let our fear stop us from seeking the support we need. We all know that we perceive others as strong and mature when they admit their vulnerability and needs. Good coaching can set us in a new direction and help us handle the obstacles we face. I have benefited from so many mentors in my life. I now have a passion for helping and serving others as I have. If I can ever be of any support to you in any way, please let me know. I would love to connect with you and discuss any challenges you are facing privately and confidentially. Please feel free to reach out to me at https://calendly.com/garymiles-successcoach/one-one-discovery-call. Let’s chat!!