THE GIFT OF OUR STORY
“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through, and it will be someone else’s survival guide.”
-Brene Brown
Have you ever had someone share something intense and personal with you, some trial or tribulation that they overcame, and you learned something important and powerful from their story?
That happens frequently. We all have a story. Some challenge, some hurdle, even perhaps some tragedy, that we overcame. Our story can be of such benefit to other people. We can help them escape their prisons. Our stories actually set us free.
In this Newsletter, I will share my story of recovery; discuss some of the other obstacles I've overcome; and provide specific gifts that we all can receive from either sharing our story or hearing the story of others. Please understand that some of this newsletter is intensely personal, but it is important to me and to others.
MY RECOVERY STORY
I was born in a loving, middle-class family in Baltimore. Drinking was a way of life, cultural. Cocktails before dinner were common. At a family party, right after we took your coat, we offered you a drink. It was expected that when your drink was empty, we would promptly refill it. It was social and, from my perspective, normal.
When I got married and moved out of the home, I continued that custom. I came home from the law office and had a nightly drink, or two. It was, from my perspective, my choice at that time. Somewhere, I crossed the line. At some point, it became something I had to do rather than I chose to do. I would say I was going to have only one drink and would have many more. I decided I was not going to have a drink at all, and instead had many. I seemed to lose the ability to control my drinking. I was powerless over alcohol.
What once had been fun and social, now became scary and drudgery. I became drunk on a nightly basis. I would wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning with bleary eyes, red-faced, and a pounding headache, wondering how I did that yet again. I would toss and turn and not be able to get back to sleep. I would go to the office and not be present mentally, shaking, scared. My performance suffered. I began to make a decision, almost every day, that I was not going to drink that day. During the day, that resolve faded and I decided tonight would be different, I would be able to drink successfully. It was no different. I would get drunk yet again.
My drinking became progressive, controlling, excessive, and problematic. I would find ways to be away from my family to drink. I told my wife I was no longer drinking, I was going to stop, and I meant that!! But I was not able to. So I found a way to drink secretly, in my home, to get drunk almost daily, but to act as if I was sober. It was not easy. In fact, it was hell.
I began to be consumed by fear. I was afraid of things that were not at all scary, seeing an acquaintance walk down the street, receiving the daily mail. I began to be filled with pain, guilt and remorse. I made at the end of the day the decision not to drink but was completely powerless. Drinking became a 24/7 problem: waking up hungover and sick; deciding I was not going to drink; wrestling with that issue; convincing myself today would be different; figuring out how I could drink and get drunk without getting caught; drinking in secret; getting drunk; passing out; and beginning the cycle all over again.
Finally, I had an event that caused me to realize I simply could not go on anymore. I could not imagine my life drinking the way I had been, but I also could not visualize not drinking. At a family party, I had a very intense and personal conversation with my 15-year-old goddaughter and niece. The next morning, I remembered nothing of the conversation. That was the first time I had what I later learned was a blackout. It scared me. I rely on my mental faculties to perform in my profession, and to think I could not remember something important from the night before was frightening. A family member had preceded me into recovery and had given me a directory of recovery meetings. I made a decision that Monday night years ago to attend my first meeting. I realized I wanted what they had. They were happy, hopeful, honest, sincere and accountable. I was none of those.
I realized if it worked for them, it could work for me. Their stories lifted me, encourage me, gave me hope. I began to have a vision of a life without the obsession and compulsion to drink. I then started an active program of recovery. My life has truly been transformed. I have been blessed now with more confidence, more hope, responsibility and accountability. In my law practice, I am focused, respectful, and compassionate. The terrible fear that I felt on a daily basis has been washed away.
The greatest gift of all is that I no longer have to drink. The overwhelming obsession and compulsion to drink has been lifted. Alcohol has no power in my life anymore, as long as I continue to practice my program of recovery, remain spiritually sound, and don't pick up the first drink. I have been freed from the prison in which alcohol ensnared me, and I have the ability now to live a happy, joyous and a free life. My relationships with my family, friends and coworkers are real, honest and true.
I later became actively supporting the mission of the Maryland State Bar Association’s Lawyer's Assistance Committee. We actively, but confidentially and anonymously, seek to help attorneys and judges in Maryland who have mental health issues, whether it is depression, anxiety, or addiction. There are tools to help those who want to get better. I have seen some amazing miracles of recovery, growth and transformation. It works. It really works. It worked for me. It will work for anyone who wants a better life.
The stories of recovery that I was told fueled my transformation. Don’t hesitate ever to ask for support.
OTHER OBSTACLES
My obsession and compulsion to drink was only one of my problems. I had many others, including:
People pleasing. I was obsessed with the desire to make others happy. It filled the hole. I had been picked on a lot as a kid, and as a result I craved the approval of others. It never worked. It just created greater stress for me.I have learned I cannot please everyone else. I live my life to good purpose, no longer focused on the approval of others.
Perfectionism. I have long worked to overcome my compulsion to be perfect. It just created daily stress, procrastination and failure. I can never be perfect. I can be excellent though and strive for that every day.
Fear. I was consumed by fear in a lot of different arenas. It created worry, stress and anxiety. I was living in the future, and imagining the worst possible result. I have learned to be present, focus on my own actions, and live in the moment.
Other people’s opinions. I used to worry very much what others thought of me. I was concerned what their opinions would be of me or what I was doing. It caused me to hesitate in taking the next chance or seizing the newest opportunity. I have learned that people will think what they do, but it no longer has power over me.
Expectations. I was very successful in school and other avenues. I began to always expect the best result. When I achieved that great result, it meant little to me because I was expecting it; when I did not, I was crushed. I have learned that expectations only create disappointment. Instead, I approach life with confidence, expecting the unexpected, knowing some things will work out well and some will not.
Failure. It used to be that when I failed, I considered myself a failure. Now I have learned that failure is part of my journey to success. From each setback, I learn more, grow more.
Comparison. I used to be so focused on the success of others, which created jealousy and envy. I have learned how blessed and gifted I am. I’m grateful for the many things in my life, happy for others and their success, and appreciate the opportunity to learn from them.
These are just a few of the prisons in which I’ve allowed myself to be trapped. I have learned how to escape from them. I love helping others to be as free as they want to be.
GIFTS OF OUR STORIES
When we share our stories, we help them and ourselves. These are just a few of the gifts when we free ourselves to share our life with others, helping them to free themselves from their prisons:
No longer alone. Sometimes we are trapped in our own minds, thinking no one else feels that way or has ever been there before. When we share our story, others see that they are not alone. I know in my recovery, as an active alcoholic, I felt terribly alone, but I learned many others felt the same way. That was comforting.
Understanding. We often do not know how to handle the obstacles that hold us back. When others share their story with us, and we see how they overcame the same obstacle, we learn how to manage that challenge for ourselves as well.
Support. It is very difficult to overcome all the challenges in our life by ourselves. When someone shares themselves with us, we can obtain the support we need to handle what we face in our life.
Authenticity. When we share ourselves with others, humbly and openly, we are authentic and genuine. It helps us to remain true to ourselves, and be a good example for others.
Trust and respect. When we genuinely share who we are with others, and what has happened to us, we develop a deep bond of trust and respect between each other.
Vision. When we are struggling, we often do not have any vision of what it looks like to be on the other side of the problem. We can feel we are in a dark hole with no escape. When someone else shares their journey with us,we can now have a vision of what it looks like to escape, to overcome that hurdle. With my alcoholism, the stories of others created in me a vision of life without the obsession and compulsion to drink.
Fulfilling. There is nothing more fulfilling then being open, genuine and honest, and helping another to find a solution to a problem that was entrapping them.
CONCLUSION
Our stories have power to heal. In the right moment, with the right person, sharing our story, our journey, where we were, what happened, and how we got to where we are today, has power to heal, lift, support and motivate. When you have that opportunity, seize it.