"Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally... Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves"

- Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Do you ever feel that life controls you? And you have a hard time finding peace and serenity with all that is whirling around you?

 In his huge bestseller, The Four Agreements, famed author Miguel Ruiz lays out a recipe for creating freedom in our life.In this newsletter, I will explain the background of how the world can control our happiness; how to break out of that prison; and four tools for living a life of peace and freedom.

The Dream

Our world consists of labels, concepts and beliefs, which Ruiz argues are a dream. They are not real. They were programmed in our life, by words used by parents, teachers, authority figures, and our community. Those beliefs are not real, but they affect and control our life. As children, we had no power over these beliefs which were instilled in us. We were often rewarded when we did good and punished when we did bad.We became afraid of rejection and did not question the beliefs which were imposed on us. We lived an unexamined life where we were controlled by those concepts.. And what’s worse? We do it ourselves. We make a mistake, miss some time deadline, and we punish ourselves.

The worst of these beliefs is that we are never enough, that we are always falling short. These beliefs cause us to live an unfulfilled life if we are not open to changing them. 

How do we free ourselves?

The first step is to understand that nothing that is said about us is really about us anyway. It’s about the other person. If someone calls us some ugly name,or insults us, It says a whole lot more about them than about us.Whatever the issues are in their life is what led them to say that nasty thing about us.

We should not take such statements personally.They are not the truth. If we let them bother us, it is because on some level we believe it which creates our own prison of negativity.

Is this easy? Of course not.The key to doing it is to become self-aware, knowing who we are, what we are about, what our strengths are and our weaknesses, what our truth is; knowing that we are good enough.

Three Steps in Breaking Free. 

There are 3 things we must do to create freedom from these arbitrary beliefs that were imposed on us:

1. Awareness. We should start seeing these beliefs for what they are- concepts which were imposed on us which hold us back.We all have them. We did not choose them. We did not create them. But they limit us.

2. Forgiveness. Our awareness leads to forgiveness. Learn to forgive the people who impose these beliefs on you,  including yourself. You know how often something little happens, we drop a dish, forget to take something with us we needed when we leave the house, and we start beating ourselves up? I know I do! Forgiveness and unconditional acceptanceCan help us create freedom from the prison of these negative beliefs.

3. Action. We can start recreating our own reality. We work on getting rid of those damaging thoughts and choose to believe in new ones.How do you want to live the rest of your life? Do you want the opinions of others to determine how you feel about yourself? Or, do you want to choose your own path? 

The effect of those negative beliefs that were created in us when we were young is powerful. It takes work, or practice. But by being self-aware, practicing forgiveness, and choosing our own path, we can break free.

Four Principles to Live By

Ruiz proposes four new principles to live by, which will help us to create the freedom that we all crave. These can be fundamental tools for us to live a life of serenity and peace:

1. Be impeccable with your word. Our words are so powerful. They can cause such pain, or support and lift others. We should be very judicious and careful with what we say. Most importantly, we should always mean what we say and say what we mean. When we are not sure what to say, it is usually best to say nothing. It is so easy to simply say would others want to hear, rather than to speak our truth. But being true to ourselves is so important.

2. Don’t take anything personally. I learn that so often what others say or do to us that causes us harm is almost always a reflection of them, their issues, what they are going through. It is often the product of their own past and those beliefs that control and limit them. Because of that, we should take nothing personally. When we do that, the words and actions of others no longer cause us the same pain.

3. Don’t make assumptions. We should never assume what others know what we think or what we want. We also should never assume what their thoughts and feelings are. We get into trouble when we make assumptions that simply are not true. Instead, we should communicate what our needs and feelings are and ask questions of others, so we can better understand them.So often someone does not return our call or acts strangely, and we assume the worst, and then get angry at them perhaps because we ascribed negative feelings to their actions. But those are all based on assumptions. We should assume less, and ask questions more.

4. Always do your best. We can never be perfect, but we can do our best. We can never give more than we are capable of, but doing less than our best often makes us feel guilty or regretful. Many good things happen when we do our best. We feel more fulfilled; we are happier; we are more productive; we live without regret, guilt or blame. Most importantly, we feel a sense of freedom.

Of these four principles, which is most important to you?