Have you ever been asked to do something for someone, said yes, and then resented that you had to do it? Has someone ever complained about something, and you said, "I'm sorry," when you did not think you did anything wrong? If so, you may suffer from what is commonly called "people pleasing." It is not bad, but it can lead to frustration, resentment, and losing connection with who we really are. Many of us have suffered from people-pleasing. I know I have.  

In this edition of The Free Lawyer newsletter, I will explain what people pleasing is, its causes, symptoms, and negative effects. Most importantly, I will explain the gifts you receive when you limit this behavior and give you tangible tools to overcome it. This is a lengthy article but very worth a read. 

What is People Pleasing?

Merriam-Webster defines a "people pleaser" as “a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.” People who engage in people-pleasing tend to prioritize the needs of others above their own, often to the point where they neglect their own needs and desires. People-pleasing can manifest in different ways, such as constantly seeking approval and validation from others, being overly accommodating, avoiding conflict, and putting others' needs before their own.

A people pleaser is someone we often find appealing, someone who is kind, helpful, considerate, and agreeable. They are the ones who continually step up and say "sure" when someone needs help. If that sounds like you, you may be a people pleaser. 

That sounds good, doesn't it? It does, but at some point, constantly making yourself available to others can take an emotional toll. You may neglect your needs because you want to please others when they ask for your help. People pleasers need validation from others to feel good about themselves. They can go to extremes to earn praise from others. The confidence of a people pleaser rises and falls based on how others perceive them. For many, the eagerness to please stems from self-worth issues. They hope that saying yes to everything asked of them will help them feel accepted and liked. Don't we all want to be liked?

It is, of course, quite normal to want to make others happy and to be positively regarded. There's nothing inherently wrong with being nice or kind to others. Indeed, it's a valuable trait. 

But it can create problems for us when we do it primarily to avoid disappointing others or to make for ourselves an ideal image. While people-pleasing can stem from a desire to be liked and accepted by others, it can also lead to resentment, burnout, and a loss of one's sense of self. Many people-pleasers purposely choose to do so mainly because they fear upsetting others. It is a great way to avoid conflict, but it will leave you feeling drained and unhappy in the long run. Somewhere along the way, people pleasers decide that everyone else’s needs are more important than theirs. They forget their own needs and goals. They then end up feeling resentful, dissatisfied, and depressed. It's hard to be true to yourself when you always act based on what you think other people want.

What Are the Causes of People-Pleasing?

Before we can stop being a people-pleaser, we should understand some of the reasons for this behavior. Several factors might play a role, including:

Childhood experiences: People who grew up in homes with a lot of conflict or criticism may have learned to prioritize other people's needs to avoid conflict or to seek approval.

Poor self-esteem: Sometimes, we engage in people-pleasing behavior because we don't value who we are or our desires and needs. Due to a lack of self-confidence, people-pleasers seek external validation. They believe that helping others will lead to approval and acceptance.

Insecurity: In other cases, we might try to please others because we are concerned that we won't be liked if we do not go the extra mile to make others happy. 

Perfectionism: Sometimes, we want everything to be perfect, including how others feel about us. 

Past experiences: Painful, difficult, or traumatic experiences may also play a role. We may have experienced some events in our life that cause us to seek approval from others. 

Fear of rejection: People-pleasers may be afraid of being rejected or disliked by others, so they go out of their way to avoid conflict and keep everyone happy.

Personality traits: People who are naturally empathetic to the feelings of others may be more prone to people-pleasing behavior.

People-pleasing behavior is not necessarily a sign of weakness or a character flaw. Instead, it can be a learned coping mechanism developed in response to various life experiences. However, it is important for individuals struggling with people-pleasing to learn how to prioritize their needs and develop healthy boundaries in their relationships.

What Are the Signs of a People Pleaser?

So how do you know whether you’re just a nice person or someone who fits the profile of a people pleaser? It’s one thing to want to help others because it's part of your nature. But people-pleasers often end up being taken advantage of by others. Signs you may be a people pleaser include:

1. Agreeing with whoever is in front of us. Agreeability often seems like a surefire way to win approval. Many politely listen to others because it is a good social practice. However, it can become people-pleasing behavior if we constantly agree with people because we want their approval and not because we believe what you are saying. Pretending to agree just to be liked can cause us to behave in ways that conflict with our values. 

2. Apologizing for things that aren’t our fault. People pleasers often make themselves responsible for the emotional responses of others. If someone feels bad, we may blame ourselves or worry that person thinks we are why they feel bad. Are you always ready with a “sorry!” when something goes wrong? People-pleasers accept blame, even when what happened has nothing to do with them. Whether you excessively blame yourself, or worry other people are always blaming you, frequent apologies can be a sign of a bigger problem. It’s good to say we are sorry if we hurt someone. But, there is a deeper issue if we frequently apologize for things we have no control over, or were not our responsibility. You don’t have to be sorry for being you. 

3. Not being able to say no. You may be a people pleaser if you find it difficult to tell others no when they ask you for something. Do you ever say "yes" to something you do not want to do and may resent afterward that you have to do it? You might worry that telling someone “no” will make them think you do not care about them. Agreeing to do what they want might seem safer, even if you do not have the time or inclination to help. Many pleasers prefer making up excuses later to get out of a commitment instead of saying no from the start. If you follow through, you can regret not having the strength to stand up for yourself and say no from the beginning. A pattern of this can cause problems since it tells people their needs come before yours. 

4. Changing our personality depending on who is around us. People pleasers tend to shift their behavior and attitude to match that of the person or group. We act how we think others want us to act. We act one way with one group of people and a different way with another person. That can lead to behaving in ways that are out of character or participating in unhealthy actions just to fit in socially. People pleasers tend to do anything possible to curry favor, even if it means becoming entirely different. 

5. You feel responsible for how others feel. It’s healthy to recognize your behavior influences others. Thinking you can make someone happy is a problem. It’s up to each individual to be in charge of their emotions.

6. You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you. People-pleasing tends to involve a fear of anger. Of course, just because someone is upset does not necessarily mean you did anything wrong. But you may be more likely to compromise your values if you cannot tolerate the thought that someone is upset with you.

7. Constantly seeking validation: You may need approval and validation from others, and base your self-worth on their opinions of you. Some of us need praise to feel good. While kind words make us all feel good, people pleasers need validation. If our self-worth rests entirely on what others think about us, we will feel good only when others compliment us.

8. Fear of conflict or criticism: You may avoid conflict or criticism at all costs and may go to great lengths to avoid upsetting or disappointing others, even if it means suppressing your needs and desires. It is one thing not to want to start a fight. But avoiding conflict at all costs means you’ll struggle to stand up for who and what you believe in.

9. Difficulty expressing your true thoughts and feelings: You may find it difficult to express your true thoughts, feelings, and opinions, especially if you think it might upset or disappoint others. You don’t admit when your feelings are hurt. We cannot form genuine relationships with people unless we are willing to speak up and say our feelings are hurt. Denying that we are hurt, sad, embarrassed, or disappointed — when we are emotionally wounded — harms our relationships and ourselves.

10. Putting others' needs before your own: You may prioritize the needs and wants of others before your own, even if it means sacrificing your own time, energy, and resources

11. Feeling guilty when you can't please others: You may feel guilty or anxious when you can't fulfill the expectations or requests of others, even if it's not reasonable or healthy for you to do so.

12. Feeling drained or burnt out: You may feel exhausted, drained, or burnt out from constantly trying to please others and neglecting your own needs and well-being

If you resonate with some or all of these signs, you may struggle with people pleasing tendencies.

Effects of Being a People-Pleaser

If you’re in constant people-pleaser mode, you can lose sight of who you are. You may have no idea of what truly makes you happy. People-pleasing isn’t inherently harmful, but trying to earn the regard of others usually means you neglect your own needs and feelings. In a way, you’re putting on an act. You’re doing what you think people want, so they like you. You might only pretend to enjoy helping since this is part of keeping people happy. This isn’t exactly honest, and over time, people-pleasing can hurt you and your relationships.

Constant people-pleasing behavior can lead to: 

1. Lack of self-care. Constantly devoting yourself to meeting the needs of others can cause you to neglect your own. As a result, you may get sick or mentally burned out from the pressure of trying to please everyone. 

2. Built-up resentment. You may be bottling up anger because you feel people take advantage of you. That can lead you to make passive-aggressive comments and show your frustration. As a result, you may isolate yourself from people instead of letting them know what’s going on and working to improve the situation. 

3. Anger and Frustration. While you might enjoy helping, you are also bound to experience frustration when doing things reluctantly or out of obligation. These feelings can lead to a cycle of helping someone, feeling mad at them for taking advantage, and then feeling regretful or sorry for yourself.

4. Anxiety and Stress. Efforts to keep others happy can stretch your physical and mental resources too thin. Trying to manage it all can leave you plagued with stress and anxiety, which can harm your health.

5. Depleted Willpower. Devoting all of your energy and mental resources toward making sure that others are happy means you are less likely to have the resolve and willpower to tackle your goals.

6. Lack of Authenticity. People-pleasers will often hide their own needs and preferences to accommodate other people. As a result, you may feel as if you need to live your life authentically, or you may lose touch with who you are. Constantly putting others' needs before one's own can lead to losing identity and a lack of direction in life.

7. Weaker Relationships. Healthy, strong relationships are balanced and involve give-and-take. You do nice things for loved ones, and they do the same for you. You probably won’t have very fulfilling relationships when people like you only because you do nice things for them. If you are putting all your efforts into ensuring you meet other people's expectations, you may feel resentful. While people might appreciate your giving nature, they may also begin to take your kindness and attentiveness for granted.

8. People take advantage of you. People-pleasers often have difficulty setting boundaries and saying no, which can lead to being taken advantage of by others. Some people will quickly recognize and take advantage of people-pleasing tendencies. They may not be able to name the behavior. But they know you’ll agree to whatever they ask, so they’ll keep asking. And you keep saying yes because you want to keep them happy. But this can seriously affect your time, finances, and emotional well-being. 

9. Burnout. One huge impact of people-pleasing is burnout. This can easily happen when you take on more than you can handle for others. You don’t just lose out on time for yourself. You also have less time for things you need to do. To get the bare essentials taken care of, you might end up working longer hours or going without sleep, eventually facing physical consequences of worry and stress.

10. Difficulty making decisions: People-pleasers often struggle to make decisions because they are so focused on what others want. What do they want? What should I do? This creates confusion and uncertainty.

People-pleasing can be a problem when it becomes a habitual pattern that interferes with our ability to live a fulfilling life and prioritize our needs and goals.

What are the gifts of overcoming people pleasing?

Overcoming people-pleasing can have many benefits, including:

1. Improved self-esteem: Overcoming people-pleasing can help you build a stronger self-worth and confidence. By prioritizing your needs and desires, you can begin to see yourself deserving of respect and care.

2. Healthier relationships: When you can set boundaries and communicate your needs effectively, you can build healthier relationships with others. This can lead to more fulfilling and satisfying connections with friends, family, and romantic partners.

3. More authenticity: People-pleasers often struggle to express their true feelings and desires. Overcoming people-pleasing can help you become more authentic to yourself, which can be empowering and fulfilling.

4. Greater sense of control: When you stop focusing on pleasing others, you can regain a sense of control over your life. You can decide based on what is best for you rather than trying to please everyone else.

5. Reduced stress and anxiety: People-pleasing can be exhausting and stressful, leading to anxiety and burnout. By learning to prioritize your own needs and set boundaries, you can reduce stress and improve your overall well-being.

Overcoming people-pleasing can lead to greater self-awareness, healthier relationships, and a more fulfilling and authentic life.

How Do We Break Out of the Prison of People Pleasing?

When people-pleasers recognize the traps they set for themselves, it becomes easier to avoid those old habits in favor of new ones. So how do we break out of this prison? Here are 14 tangible tips:

1. Identify your values: Take time to identify your personal values and priorities. This can help you make decisions and set boundaries that align with your values rather than just trying to please others.

2. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and help you identify people-pleasing patterns. Try practicing mindfulness meditation, yoga, or other mindful activities.

3. Develop healthy communication skills: Communicating assertively and respectfully can help you set boundaries and express your needs and wants healthily. Take time to practice active listening, expressing yourself clearly, and using "I" statements instead of "you" statements.

4. Learn to say "NO. " Sometimes people-pleasing can become such a deeply ingrained habit that you must tell yourself that it is okay to say "no." For example, it's okay to put yourself first and say "no" if someone asks you for something you don't want to do. Start getting out of the people-pleasing habit by saying no to something small. You also need to stop saying "yes"  just because the other person asks you for help. The most important part about this is reminding yourself that saying "no" when you mean it isn't being selfish; it's taking care of yourself.

5. Set healthy boundaries. People-pleasers are often unaware of the limits they need to set. But you can start by noticing what you are doing. This simple strategy can allow you to remain true to yourself without needing to please everyone. For example, boundaries allow you to say "no" when another person asks for help or takes advantage of your time. Remember, you are not selfish--you are just confident enough in who you are that you understand you do not have to agree with someone's requests all the time.

6. Remember that you can't please everyone. It is a tough pill to swallow, but you must understand that you can't make everybody happy. The simple truth is that you can't please everyone all the time because people's needs are different from person to person. Acting to please one person may upset or offend someone else. Instead, try to act authentically, and people who like the true you will appreciate you for who you are.

7. Learn to be assertive and stand up for yourself. There are times when people don't know that they're bothering you. They might be your friends or family and they might have good intentions. But if you've had enough, it's time to take a stand. It's important not to let others dictate how you live and feel about yourself. Being assertive will help you set boundaries and make sure that others around you respect those boundaries.

8. Accept yourself.  People-pleasers often have high expectations and can be hard on themselves when they make mistakes. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness. When you give in to people-pleasing, you lose touch with who you are. You start to believe that your value can be measured by what other people think of you. But this is not the case. If you spend more time and energy trying to please someone else, you will have less time and energy for yourself and the things that matter most to you. The best way out of this situation is to stop caring about what others think of us and fully accept ourselves as we are. Part of accepting yourself is acknowledging and using your strengths and weaknesses to your advantage. When you accept yourself for who you are, everyone else will eventually follow suit.

9. Be more honest about your feelings. Being honest is the best policy! You will face rejection at some point in life, and you should be ready for that. However, if you are honest with people, it will open up new doors for you.

10. Make yourself a priority. It is about understanding what you want out of life, making that your priority, and accomplishing it by not letting other people's needs always come first. You should make yourself a priority by putting your needs first, even if that means disappointing someone else who has asked something of you that is difficult or feels like more than you can handle.

11. Check your motives. Are you acting a certain way, saying yes, or being agreeable to win favor or please others? Or are you doing what you want? Is it consistent with your values, goals, and beliefs? Help when you want to help. You don’t need to give up being kind and thoughtful. Those are desirable qualities that can contribute to strong, lasting relationships. The key is to examine your intentions. Don’t do things only because you fear rejection or want the approval of others. 

12. Set your personal goals. Consider where you want to spend your time. Who do you want to help? What goals are you trying to accomplish? Knowing your priorities can help you determine whether or not you have the time and energy to devote to something.

13. Reflect before responding. If someone asks for a favor, tell them you need time to consider it. Say something like, "I don't know; let me think about it. I will get back to you." Saying "yes" right away can leave you feeling obligated and overcommitted, but taking your time to respond to a request can give you the time to evaluate it and decide if it's something you want to do. 

14. Build a support system: Surround yourself with people who support your goals and values and encourage you to prioritize your needs.A positive community can help you see your truth and be committed to your values.

Defeating people-pleasing is a process that takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself, and celebrate small victories along the way. You can develop healthy habits and live a more authentic and fulfilling life with practice.

Conclusion

Overcoming people-pleasing can be a challenging journey, but it is well worth taking. By prioritizing your needs and desires, you can build a stronger sense of self-worth and confidence, develop healthier relationships, and live a more authentic and fulfilling life. Remember that defeating people-pleasing is a process that takes time and effort, and it may involve setbacks and struggles along the way. But with patience, self-compassion, and determination, you can break free from the patterns that hold you back and discover the joy and empowerment of living life on your own terms. So take that first step today, and begin the journey towards a happier, more fulfilling life.