“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

-Theodore Roosevelt

Do you ever do this? You see someone proficient, better than you, at something you want to achieve, and you compare yourself to them. We want to be better in our profession, so it makes sense to compare ourselves to the best, doesn’t it? How does that work out for you? How does it make you feel?

In today's world, where social media and other platforms allow us to compare ourselves with others constantly, it's all too easy to fall into the trap of comparison. While comparing ourselves with others may seem harmless initially, it can quickly become a source of stress, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Furthermore, constantly measuring ourselves against others can lead to unhealthy competition, jealousy, and a distorted sense of self-worth. Fortunately, there are tools and strategies we can use to overcome the problem of comparison and cultivate a healthier, more positive mindset. In this newsletter, we'll explore the issues with comparison and offer nine tangible tools to help you break free from the comparison trap and focus on your unique journey.

The Trouble With Comparisons

Comparison truly is the thief of joy. When we compare, we look at someone who is extraordinarily gifted at something we would like to be good at but are not yet.  We look at their best side, ignoring their weaknesses and failures. We compare their best to an area where we need much more growth. We hope to learn from the comparison but thwart our success instead. These are some of the problems with comparing ourselves with others:

1. We kill our confidence. When we compare an area of weakness with someone else’s absolute best, we inevitably think, “I can never do that.” Instead of learning from the experience of others, we begin to question our ability to succeed. We destroy our vision of success. If we compare ourselves to the best in our profession, we think we will never be that good. We damage our confidence along with our chances of success.Constantly comparing ourselves with others can lead to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and self-doubt.

2. Comparison can lead to envy and depression. It’s very easy to fall victim to jealousy when we look at someone else's success and wish that we had it or to feel depressed that we have been unable to accomplish the same thing. Comparison can create a very negative mindset which hinders our ability to succeed.

3. Comparison is misleading. We only have part of the picture. We are looking at someone’s highlight reel. We do not see their failures, weaknesses, and fears. Therefore, comparing ourselves with others can lead to an inaccurate assessment of our abilities and accomplishments, which can harm our growth and development.

4. Comparison turns our friends into our rivals. We can’t help but start to compete with a successful person subconsciously. We want to be as good as that person. If we start comparing, we will start living in rivalry and conflict. When we compare ourselves with others, we may become overly competitive, which can be unhealthy and even destructive.

5. Comparison hinders our chance to be successful. Comparing yourself to someone else who has more friends, a bigger home, a nicer car, or is more successful professionally only saps our motivation. It decreases our chance to accomplish our goals because we will see ourselves as simply not good enough.

Nothing good ever comes from such comparisons. Overall, comparing ourselves with others can harm our well-being and personal growth. Therefore, it's important to focus on our unique qualities, values, and goals and avoid constantly comparing ourselves with others.

A War Story

I have often struggled with comparison in parts of my life. Some of you know I have been a competitive golfer and have a real passion for the sport. I played for my high school and college teams and have competed in club tournaments since. However, I have never been a long hitter of the golf ball. My drives are frequently well short of my opponents, and they hit their irons so much further.

If I hit my drive down the middle, but my opponent hits his 40 yards past me, and I begin to reflect on what a disadvantage I face and how I wish I hit the ball as far as he did, I just put additional pressure on myself and develop a negative attitude that hinders my success. If my competitor hits a 9 iron on a par 3, and I have to use a 6 iron, and I think about how much longer he is, I begin to believe I’m not as good. Those thoughts will deflate me. 

Instead, I should focus on my strengths. I should remember that I hit the ball straighter, more consistently, and have a better short game. Concentrating on what I do well makes me more confident and more likely to succeed. Then, when I win the hole, even though my opponent outhit me by 40 yards, he is the one who will feel frustrated.

If my goal is to become a longer driver of the golf ball, I can seek a coach who will help me improve my techniques so I can hit the ball further. And I can continue to work on my strengths and make them better. Comparing my game's weakest part to my opponent's strongest part harms me. On the contrary, focusing on my strengths and goals creates a vision of success that makes me more fulfilled.

Tools to Stop Comparing and Start Living 

So, if comparison robs us of our happiness and holds us back from achieving our goals, how do we stop comparing and start living the life of our dreams? Here are some tangible suggestions:

1. Ask for guidance from a trusted mentor. While we do not want to compare ourselves to others, there are valuable resources we can tap into. There are sources of support in our life who want us to succeed, who have done before what we are trying to do now, who are experts in their field, and who are willing to give of themselves to help us succeed. For example, I had the gift of a trusted friend and mentor who taught me how to be a top-notch family lawyer. I didn’t compare myself to him, I didn’t want to be him, but I wanted to learn from him what he knew. And he taught me and showed me how to be successful as a family lawyer.

2. Celebrate the success of others. Instead of feeling jealous when others succeed at something or have something you want, be grateful for their success. Congratulate them. Support them. Besides being nice to someone who is a friend or acquaintance, you free yourself from any feeling of envy that holds you back from being as completely free as you want.

3. Focus on your goals. Instead of obsessing over what someone else has, focus on your goals and vision for your future. What do you want to accomplish? Where do you want to be? What do you need to change to get there? What are the tangible steps you can follow to achieve that? This directs your thinking to something positive and helpful to you. Instead of comparing yourself with others, focus on your journey and progress. Celebrate your successes and accomplishments, and set goals that are meaningful and relevant to you.

4. Develop self-compassion: Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, even when things don't go as planned. Practice self-compassion by speaking to yourself in a positive, supportive way and recognizing that making mistakes is a natural part of the learning process. 

5. Cultivate positive relationships: Surround yourself with people who support and encourage you and help you feel good about yourself. Positive relationships can help boost your self-esteem and provide a sense of belonging and connection. 

6. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness involves being fully present and aware in the present moment, without judgment or distraction. Practicing mindfulness can help you stay grounded and centered and can reduce the temptation to compare yourself with others.

7. Inventory your strengths and weaknesses. Analyze yourself. Become aware of who you are, what you are good at, and what areas you can improve. What skills do you have that will help you accomplish your goals? What do you need to develop to be successful?

8. Evaluate your growth. Instead of comparing yourself to others, compare yourself to yourself! Where were you a year ago? How have you grown and changed? What goals do you set for yourself that you have accomplished? Where did you fall short? How far have you come, and how far do you have to go?  You should only compare yourself to your “past you.”

9. Practice gratitude. We can spend all the time we want thinking about what we do not have and wish we had. That does not serve us well. It creates frustration, disappointment, and envy. Instead, think of the many gifts and blessings that we have. What do we have to be grateful for? What skills do we have that serve us? What do we have in our life that truly is a gift? When we have an attitude of gratitude, we no longer compare ourselves to others from a perspective of jealousy; instead, we celebrate their success. We also focus on how we can be better and achieve our goals. Gratitude can help shift our focus from what we lack to what we have. Take time each day to reflect on the things you're grateful for, and make a conscious effort to appreciate the blessings in your life.

Using these tools and strategies, you can break free from the comparison trap and cultivate a healthier, more positive mindset. Remember that everyone has their unique journey, and your worth and value are not determined by how you measure up to others.

Conclusion

The comparison problem is pervasive and can have severe consequences for our well-being and personal growth. By constantly measuring ourselves against others, we can become trapped in a cycle of self-doubt, jealousy, and unhealthy competition. However, using the tools and strategies outlined above, we can break free from the comparison trap and cultivate a more positive, authentic, and fulfilling life. Remember that your worth and value are not determined by how you measure up to others and that your unique journey should be celebrated, not compared.  The only person you should be comparing yourself to is yourself. Your efforts should focus on growing from within, working hard, improving, becoming more resilient, and being grateful. By focusing on your growth, practicing self-compassion, and cultivating positive relationships, you can overcome the problem of comparison and live a more joyful, purposeful life. Let go of comparison and fuel your success. 

I am working with attorneys and other professionals to help them be as successful and fulfilled in their profession as they want. I would love to learn more about you, your challenges and your goals. If you would like to chat, please set up a complementary discovery call with me here: https://calendly.com/garymiles-successcoach/one-one-discovery-call