Gary Miles

View Original

Other People's Opinions of Us Do Not Matter

“When we liberate ourselves from the opinion of others, we become genuinely powerful.”

Avijeet Das

Do you ever find you spend too much energy wondering what others are thinking about you? Do you worry that others might be judging you or thinking less of you because of something you are doing or some project you are undertaking? Are you concerned that if you fail at some task they will think less of you? Are you ever afraid to take on a new challenge because you wonder what others will think of you? And how does that make you feel?

I know I have. I have frequently let  myself be controlled worrying about what others think of me, and what opinions they hold of me. This is a very common problem for many of us, but not healthy. And we do have it within our power to escape from this prison.

In this newsletter, I will talk about why we worry so much about what others think of us; discuss some of the problems that causes for us, explain why other people’s opinions of us really do not matter; and give you tangible tools to start living your life free of the opinions of others.

Why do we care so much what others think of us?

 Honestly, this is a very common situation, one that we have all experienced. They really are multiple reasons, some good, and some not.

We all crave a human connection with other people. Given the choice, does it not make sense that we would prefer to be liked by those around us rather than disliked? On many levels, our true happiness can be determined by the quality and depth of the relationships we have with those we care about.

We all care what other people think of us, don’t we? How we dress, what we say, how we present ourselves to others are important to all of us. Some of this is driven by social media where the number of likes we get is often viewed as a reflection of how accepted we are.

Approval from others can also give us a higher sense of self-esteem. We believe that recognition and approval of others can affect our self-worth and how we value ourselves.

And, it does make sense to act appropriately, speak respectfully, dress nicely, and be kind and courteous. Those are all  good things. And they do affect what other people think of us.

But, it is also based on fear. We are afraid we will not have enough friends, or intimate connections. Our insecurity makes us crave acceptance by others. It can also arise out of the habit of people pleasing. To feel better about ourselves, we need to know that we are making other people happy and receiving their positive support. Often, we care so much about other people’s opinions of us because our own self-worth is based on what other people think of us. When we look good in their eyes, we feel better about ourselves. Too often, we live our life based on what others think of us instead of how we truly are.

What are the problems with worrying about what other people think of us?

We should be the captain of our own life. We should choose to live it as we want. When we start worrying about what others think of us, we live in fear and waste opportunities. All the great things that we are capable of accomplishing now sit in the background because we are worried about the fear of rejection or judgment.

There are many reasons why we should stop worrying about what other people’s opinions of us are. 

  1. We give up control of our life to someone else. When we give emotional energy to worry about what other people think of us, we give them power over our life. Do they really deserve that? Or want it? Of course not. Our life is ours to live.

  2. Our life becomes small. When we worry about what others think of us, we pass on opportunities and our world shrinks.. We may live in regret, that we did not choose to pursue some possible avenue for success.

  3. Others may not be thinking about us at all. We worry so much about what others think of us, but we would all be amazed how little they really think about us whatsoever. And we often really do not know their opinions. We imagine negative thoughts and use that not to pursue something because of fear. But those negative opinions may not exist at all. 

  4. If we are true to ourselves, the opinions of others simply do not matter. If we live a good life, do what is  right, stand up for our beliefs, the opinions of others have no importance whatsoever.

  5. It creates stress. When we worry about the opinions of others, we simply create stress and anxiety in our life, for literally no reason. We do not know the opinions, and their opinions do not matter, yet we waste precious time worrying about them.

  6. They are dream stealers. Often those who do have negative thoughts about us act out of jealousy and their own insecurity. We have dreams, a vision of success. They often, sometimes unconsciously, do not want us to succeed. Should we allow them to kill our dreams?

Why do other people’s opinions of us not really matter?

We sometimes waste so much energy and create so much stress worrying what other people think of us, and in truth their opinions really do not matter, for many reasons:

  1. Gossipers always gossip. Some people simply like to express opinions about others. That is how they make themselves feel better. They always talk about others. We are not the only ones they talk about. It’s their habit. And it’s not healthy.

  2. What is good for them may not be good for us. We are all unique. We have our own talents and opportunities, our own vision. Those who have opinions of us may be in an entirely different place in their life. What may work for them, may not work for us. What they want to accomplish in their life, may be entirely different than our dreams for ourselves.

  3. It is our life, and our journey. It’s not theirs. We are in control of our choices and our actions. We should not make our journey be controlled by the opinions of others.

  4. We can never please everyone. I certainly tried. It is never possible to please all the people all the time. It only creates frustration and disappointment.

  5. Our self-worth is not determined by others. Rather, it comes from who we are, what our beliefs and values are, how we act consistently with them, how much energy and commitment we put forth in life. What others think of us does not determine who we are or where we end up.

So, how do we stop giving up control of our life to the opinions of others?

It is not easy to break this habit, but it is within our control. We can break out of the prison of worrying about the opinions of other people by trying these handy tools:

  1. Understand that hurt people hurt people. Sometimes those who expressed negative opinions of us do it only because of their own issues, problems, or pain. Often what they are saying is not about us at all, but about them and their own obstacles. Once you understand that, it is easier to not let them bother us.

  2. Realize that those who express opinions about us will never be helpful to us. If it is our goal to accomplish our dreams, those who are open to telling us why we should not simply will never help us be successful. Their thoughts and opinions do not serve us. For that reason, we should not give them any space in our head. Having said that, we may have a mentor or coach who helps us grow and of course their thoughts are always valuable.

  3. Let go. Let those who have their opinions have them, but simply let go of them. Accept those people as being who they are, but do not allow them to control your day, your happiness or your actions. Their own opinions are connected with their own  experiences and their own life, not yours. They do not understand who you are or what you are trying to accomplish. Their opinions really have very little to do with you and much more to do about themselves. So, let go of their opinions and do not care any more about what they think about you.

  4. Stop comparing. All too often we worry about the opinions of others because we are comparing ourselves to them. This is our life, not theirs. We all have our own gifts, talents and challenges. Comparison only creates envy and disappointment. It does not support us on our journey.

  5. Stay positive. Do not give into the negativity. Surround yourself with those who support you, and are positive, who raise your spirits. Having positive thoughts and a support system will help you succeed and not give in to the dream stealers.

  6. Journal your successes.  Each night, write in your journal any good things that happened to you today, any success, every positive result, anything of which you are proud or gave you a sense of accomplishment. You will soon be able to see that when you focus on yourself and your own activity, good things consistently happen.

  7. Practice self-acceptance. You are unique and special. You have skills, experiences and talents that no one else does. Learn to love and accept who you are. Forgive yourself for any mistakes or failings but learn from them. Always remember that you are a gift to the world and you have much you can accomplish.

  8. . You should always trust who you are, where you're heading, and why you are taking the steps that you are. Often, those who are most successful were made fun of for their actions or their intentions. We should do what is right for us, not base that decision on what other people think about us. What others think about us does not really matter. All that does matter are your experiences and what you give back to the world.

  9. Focus on your own dreams and always be true to yourself. We all have our own goals and visions. Be your authentic self. The dreams are yours. Keep them in the forefront of your mind. Don’t give space to the naysayers who are trying to hold you back. This is about you, who you are, the gifts you have,  and what you were made to accomplish. We have no control over the opinions of others, but just over our own thoughts, feelings and actions. Always keep your dreams in the forefront.

Conclusion

It is so easy to succumb to the opinions of others, we worry about what they think of us, and even imagine their negative thoughts which they have never expressed and may not even be thinking. But we should not give into fear. This is our life, our opportunity. Let others be, and accept them as they are. But, practice acceptance, focus on our dreams, and keep moving forward. The first step to achieving personal freedom is letting others be as they are, and directing our attention to ourselves, our actions and our goals.

 Which of these tools is most helpful to you?