Have you ever said something that in hindsight you absolutely wish you had not,and each day it bothers you that you said it? Or, have you ever made a decision not to pursue something, and then deeply regretted that you did not give it an opportunity?

Regret is a powerful emotion that, if not resolved, can  destroy our happiness and limit our success.

I know I have had to work hard to overcome regrets that I had. I still remember to this day a stupid, offensive, remark I made at a high school reunion to a classmate’s wife, that I so wish I was able to take back. And, as some of you know, I am in recovery. During my drinking days, I did many many things that I deeply regretted, feeling shame, guilt and remorse.

Professionally, I graduated from law school #1 in my class and clerked in federal court. I could have worked anywhere I chose. I could have gone to the biggest, most prestigious law firm and received a huge salary. Instead, I returned to the same small law firm where I had worked in law school. In later years, I regretted that decision. I wondered what my life would have been like if I had chosen the more traditional Big Law path.

Later, my partner had a large foreclosure practice. He handled it pretty much on his own, although I helped manage it to a limited extent. He retired suddenly. Rather than learn that field, and hire a replacement who was proficient in that area, I decided to partner with another firm on a joint venture basis. In hindsight, it was a terrible decision. While I thought the firm was honorable, they really were not. There was a lot of bad blood, claims made, and very extensive legal fees and stress. I often regretted that choice.

But during my years, I have learned both the power of regret and how to manage it. In this edition of The Free Lawyer newsletter, I will explain what regret is, how it affects us, and how we can overcome it.

WHAT IS REGRET?

Regret is a powerful negative emotion that occurs when we believe that our past behaviors or actions, if changed, would have led to a better outcome. It is often associated with feelings of guilt and shame. We blame ourselves, because we think the alternative decision would have been a much better one. Regret is often a long-lasting negative emotion, which we simply cannot seem to be able to eliminate. It is a very real reaction to a disappointing event, a choice we made which we wish we could undo, something we said which we wish we could take back. It’s a heavy, intrusive, burdensome emotion that sometimes takes too long to get rid of.

Regret is actually fairly common. Any time we make a choice, we can engage in regret. What if I had done something different? What if I chose the other path? Often, the choices we did not make are the ones about which we suffer more regret, because we can hypothesize a very successful outcome of the other choice.

HOW DOES REGRET AFFECT US?

Handling regret is much harder because of the negative emotions connected to it- shame, guilt, sorrow, and helplessness. When we struggle with regret, we beat ourselves up for  our past choice or action. It is so exhausting. It drains the joy and fulfillment out of our life. We get stuck, looking backwards and unable to move forward. It can cause chronic stress and anxiety by constantly reliving what we thought we should have done differently.Most importantly, it destroys our happiness, because we feel shame or remorse and blame ourselves.

Regret not only increases our stress, it can also harm our physical health, and negatively affect our hormones and immune system. Regret is unhealthy as well as unpleasant. It often takes both a physical and emotional toll on both our body and our mind. Regret can cause physical symptoms including sleep disruption, breathing issues, chest pain, digestive issues, headaches, muscle pain and joint pain. 

TOOLS IN MANAGING REGRET

The good news is that while regret is powerful, we can manage it. Here are the steps:

1. Acknowledge the feeling. Reflect on why you feel bad. What is the cause of your negative emotion? Being aware of it helps you to know how to manage it. It never works to deny or squash the feeling of regret. 

2. Forgive yourself. It is time to stop beating ourselves up. We are human, not perfect. We cannot change the choice we made or action we took. There is no benefit to continuing to living in self-blame. We easily forgive others; why not ourselves? Give yourself permission  to get it wrong sometimes.

3. Use it as an opportunity to learn. Objectively evaluate what happened. What could you have done differently? How can I change how I think or behave to achieve a better result next time?

4. Make an amend. If you regret something that you did that caused harm, make it right,. Take care of your side of the street. Make a heartfelt apology, do whatever you need to and let it go. 

CONCLUSION

Living in regret is a very painful place. It’s filled with shame, remorse and self-playing. But we don’t have to be there. We can free ourselves from our regret and leave it in the past. We can understand our feelings; forgive ourselves; learn from what happened, and clean up our side of the street if necessary.

Do you ever struggle with regret? If so, how do you overcome it?

I am working with attorneys and other professionals to help them be as successful and fulfilled in their profession as they want. I would love to learn more about you, your challenges and your goals. If you would like to chat, please set up a complementary discovery call with me here: https://calendly.com/garymiles-successcoach/one-one-discovery-call