From Burden to Empowerment: How Lawyers Rise Above Unhealthy Expectations
“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.”
Michael J. Fox
Do you ever find that you expect a particular result, like winning your trial, and when it does not happen, you are crushed and disappointed? Alternatively, when you win that case, you expected to win, do you not feel less gratitude for the successful result because you expected it?
That's the problem with expectations. They can remove the joy from our life and create disappointment and frustration. In this newsletter, I will explain the problem with expectations; and specific areas that can create problems for us. Finally, I will share my experiences and provide tangible tips to help navigate this intricate terrain.
The Problem with Expectations
Expectations are the beliefs we hold about the outcome of certain events. “Expectations” are what we believe will happen, and reality is what transpires. Often, they do not match up. This conflict between reality and our expectations can create both discontentment and unhappiness. When our expectations are not met, it can lead to frustration and even anger. In addition, when what we expect to occur does occur, we do not experience the true exhilaration of the experience precisely because we were expecting it to happen.
Expectations are different from having a confident vision of our success. Having a positive vision of our life and believing our success is a positive attribute that helps us to achieve our goals. But expectations can be a trap that hinders our success.
There are generally 3 types of expectations:
What we expect of ourselves
What we expect of others
What others expect of us
We have no control over what others expect of us. We each have a life to live, and we can choose the path we wish. But we do have control over our expectations both of ourselves and others.
Expectations can be compelling with others who do not respond to us as we expect. We do something very nice for someone and do not receive our anticipated appreciation. We hoped to have a good evening with someone, and instead, they were quite angry and distant. When we have expectations of other people in our lives, we experience disappointment when they do not respond as we thought they would.
Expectations are also problematic with results in our life. We think we will receive a certain outcome from our efforts, but it does not materialize. We lose the trial we expected to win or do not receive the raise we expected to receive.
You will know that your expectations are becoming too powerful when you feel true disappointment when the expected outcome did not occur or you are not adequately grateful for the expected result. A simple example would be a football game. If our team is two touchdown favorites over the opponents yet loses, we are crushed and highly disappointed because we expected them to win. But if the good guys win, we are not excited because we expected that to happen. Our expectations can rob us of fully appreciating the experiences in our life.
Problem Areas For Lawyers
We all know how stressful the practice of law is. When we expect results or of other people, we only make it worse. These expectations can crop up in several different areas, including:
The outcome of the case. We have a case that we have worked hard, done a great job, have all the evidence lined up, and expect to win. But surprisingly, the jury rules against us.
Our firm. We have put our heart and soul into working hard for our firm, working long hours, and delivering great results. Yet, we do not receive the support, acknowledgment, and financial rewards that we think we deserve.
Our clients. We work very hard for our clients to deliver what we think are excellent results, yet they are not satisfied and express disappointment about the outcome or how long it took, or how much it cost. Or, we receive a significant settlement offer that we present to the client and expect him to accept, but he does not. In addition, clients may complain about not hearing from us faster or more often and are unaware of our workload.
The court. The court denies a request for a postponement that we should receive. The trial judge ruled against us on a motion when we expected a favorable decision.
Other lawyers. We ask for a scheduling change for personal reasons, and we expect opposing counsel to agree, but he does not. We expect that opposing counsel will be professional in their communications with us, but they will not answer calls, call our client names, or are extremely difficult.
Work-life balance. We anticipate that if we work hard during the week and are productive, and get a lot done, the weekends will be ours to enjoy with our family. Yet, at the last minute, another matter is dumped on us, preventing us from enjoying the weekend with family as expected.
These are just a few areas where our expectations can cause additional stress in our legal practice. The good news is those expectations can be managed.
My Story
I have struggled with expectations for much of my life. I expected to win the trial. I expected others to act toward me a certain way. I expected to win a golf match. I expected good weather when we went to the football game. All of those combined created disappointment when the reality differed from my expectations.
After years of frustration and disappointment, I learned that my expectations only hurt me. Through my experiences, I have learned various helpful tools for managing our expectations so we can enjoy true personal freedom.
I have learned that the greater my expectations, the more I experience disappointment and frustration. On the other hand, when I do not go through life expecting a specific result or a particular response from other people, I experience much more significant serenity and peace.
Tips for Managing our Expectations
How do we control our expectations so we do not wallow in frustration and disappointment when the anticipated outcome does not occur? Here are some tips:
Self-reflection. Become aware of your expectations. What are your expectations of others? Your spouse, your children? Are they realistic? What about your career? Review your goals and visions, and make sure they are reasonable and measurable. Having unreasonable expectations of others or yourself will lead to disappointment and regret.
Expect the unexpected. Once you understand that the unexpected is often likely to happen, you can adjust to it more easily. When things go wrong, situations change, or some unanticipated hurdle crops up, take a breath, pause, and consider our best options. The unexpected will absolutely happen, more often than not. Life is unpredictable. We can only control our thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Set boundaries. Let your clients know your time frames and availability. Let your firm know what your workload and time limitations are. Lawyers must set boundaries and manage others’ availability and response times expectations.
Stop comparing. Sometimes a source of our disappointment is that we expect to achieve what everyone else appears to have. Don’t forget that what you see on social media isn’t necessarily the life others are living. Comparing ourselves to others will limit our performance. We start to feel envious and disappointed that we do not already have what someone else may have obtained. Instead, we should set reasonable personal goals for ourselves.
Live and let live. All too often, we sit in judgment of others, how they dress, what they say, how they behave, and their level of success. Let go of our expectations of others, particularly how we want them to respond to us. They have their own life to live as we do and their own issues to manage.
Don’t judge yourself too harshly. Sometimes the problem with expectations is when the anticipated result does not happen, and we engage in excessive self-criticism. We are not failures simply because our expectations did not materialize. Instead, we harshly criticize ourselves for failure and are disappointed we did not live up to our dreams. Instead, see what we can learn from our setbacks. What lessons are there in the reality that we experienced?
Practice emotional acceptance. Life will only sometimes work out the way we expect or want. Things will go differently. There will be obstacles. We might even be disappointed about that. But accept our emotions and accept the outcome. It is our reality. Our role is to accept the reality and circumstances we face as being exactly what they are supposed to be at that time. We can then decide how we want to respond and move forward.
Be grateful. We do not always get everything we want. Sometimes we fall short. But we feel so much more fulfilled if we truly savor what we have. Our happiness comes not from getting what we want but from wanting what we have. The greatest antidote to unrealized expectations is gratitude. Look for the lesson in the disappointment, then reflect on all we have to be grateful for. We may not have gotten everything we wanted, but we are blessed with so much. My experience is that when one door closes, another opens. If this route did not succeed, consider what course may work out better. Truly appreciate the many gifts and blessings in your life.
Seek support. Expectations can create resentment and frustration. Find a trusted person to talk to about your situation. A wise confidential mentor can be a tremendous resource for you. You can receive support, encouragement, understanding, and clarity.
Conclusion
True personal freedom comes from accepting the reality of our situation and being grateful for our gifts. When we live in gratitude, our reality might exceed our expectations in ways we have never expected. Life can become exciting, new, and wonderful. See, our powerful expectations can imprison us. When we let go of them, we will experience more personal freedom. And isn’t that what we all want?
What are your thoughts?
I am working with attorneys and other professionals to help them be as successful and fulfilled in their profession as they want. I would love to learn more about you, your challenges, and your goals. If you would like to chat, please set up a complimentary discovery call with me here: https://calendly.com/garymiles-successcoach/one-one-discovery-call