Embracing Forgiveness: A Guide for Lawyers in Conflict
“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not a gift you give someone else.”
Tony Robbins
Have you ever had someone hurt you in your life? Someone who mistreated you unjustifiably for no good reason? And you feel, quite justifiably, resentful of how that person treated you? Who hasn’t been hurt by the actions or words of another?
And in our law practice, have you been frustrated with the lawyer who falsely calls you names in court? Or the judge who makes an entirely erroneous call against your client? The partner who is demanding and nasty? Or the client who fires you unfairly despite your incredible service?
Those wounds can create a reservoir of anger and bitterness, sometimes even vengeance. The key to freeing you from that prison of bitterness is forgiveness.
In the world of law, where conflict and contention often reign, the concept of forgiveness might seem like an unexpected guest. Yet, within the high-stakes arena of legal practice, forgiveness holds the potential to be a transformative force, reshaping the dynamics of relationships and fostering a more empathetic approach to advocacy. As lawyers, how often do we pause to explore the profound impact that forgiveness can have on our profession? This newsletter explores the intersection of forgiveness and the legal world, uncovering how this age-old virtue can guide practitioners, ushering in a new era of collaboration, personal growth, and effective conflict resolution.
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group that harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness. When we forgive, we stop reliving the pain and stop feeling over and over again the injury that we suffered. Forgiveness is a purposeful decision to not hold onto our feelings of blame and resentment against another person, despite what they have done to us. It releases our anger. When we forgive, we let go of our bitterness and even thoughts of revenge. The wrong might always be with you on some level, but forgiveness reduces the pain that you feel from it. It frees you from the control of the person who harmed you. It may lead to feelings of understanding or compassion for the person who hurt you.
Forgiveness does not mean condoning what was done to you or even forgetting or excusing the other for the responsibility for the harm they caused. It does not mean reconciliation. It does not require “making up” with someone who unjustifiably hurt you. We never have to return to the same relationship with that person. It brings you a sense of serenity and frees you from the resentment that entrapped you.
What does forgiveness mean in our law practice?
Forgiveness for lawyers refers to the intentional and conscious act of letting go of negative emotions, resentments, and grudges towards others, including opposing parties, colleagues, clients, the court, and even oneself. We adopt a compassionate and empathetic perspective, even in conflicts and adversarial situations. Here's what forgiveness means for lawyers:
Release of Negative Emotions: Forgiveness involves releasing anger, resentment, and hostility that may arise from legal disputes or interactions with clients and colleagues. When we consciously choose not to hold onto these negative emotions, we move forward more positively and constructively.
Empathy and Understanding: Forgiving requires lawyers to put themselves in the shoes of others, seeking to understand their motivations, fears, and concerns. This empathetic approach helps us create better communication and conflict resolution.
Acceptance of Imperfection: Forgiveness acknowledges that everyone, including lawyers, is fallible and prone to mistakes. Lawyers who practice forgiveness recognize that imperfections are part of the human experience and that holding onto blame or judgment may not be productive.
Focus on Positive Outcomes: Forgiveness shifts the focus from past grievances to future possibilities. Lawyers who practice forgiveness are more likely to seek solutions that benefit all parties rather than aiming solely for victory or revenge.
In essence, forgiveness for lawyers is a deliberate choice to approach our legal practice with empathy, compassion, and a focus on favorable resolutions. It empowers us to transcend the adversarial nature of our profession and contribute to a more harmonious career.
What Forgiveness is Not!
One of the big problems with permitting ourselves to forgive someone else is our misconception about what forgiveness is and is not.
Forgiveness is not saying that we were not hurt by what the other person did, didn’t feel pain, or that our pain is gone. It also does not mean that we were not somehow changed by what happened. Forgiveness does not excuse what happened. It also does not mean that we were partly to blame for what was done to us. The old saying “forgive and forget” is somewhat misleading; we never have to forget.
What are the hurdles to forgiveness?
We can have emotional blocks to being able to forgive, including these:
Control. Sometimes we want to control the person who hurt us, make him feel pain, and hold him responsible or accountable. We may think that forgiving him lets go of control over what is his responsibility for what he did to us.
Expectations. We expect certain behaviors from other people. We hope they do not harm unjustifiably; if they do, we expect them to make proper amends. When they don’t do what we expect, our hurt deepens.
Blame. It is natural to blame the other person when we have been harmed, but that imprisons us in our harm. Letting go of blame gives us the power to forgive.
Why should we forgive?
When we feel that justifiable resentment, we continue reliving the injury we suffer. We inflict on ourselves the same pain that we initially felt. The experience comes back with all of its hurt and loss. The only person we hurt when we think that resentment is ourselves, no matter how justified our feelings may be. When we forgive, we free ourselves from that pain. We are no longer controlled by what the other person did to us.
There are so many gifts we receive from forgiveness. We increase our self-esteem and achieve a sense of strength and safety. It allows us to heal and move through life with purpose and intention. We are the primary beneficiary of the forgiveness. It promotes well-being and physical and mental health. The most important thing is that when we forgive the other person, we choose to free ourselves from the terrible pain and hurt we relive every time we think about how that person harmed us.
The most important gifts of forgiveness are:
A sense of peace. We can have some measure of serenity.
Personal freedom. We are no longer controlled by what that other person did to us. When we need someone else to behave in a certain way, make an apology, or give us an amend, we are a prisoner to that other person. Forgiveness is about choosing to love ourselves and create our freedom.
Healthier relationships. Forgiveness helps us to heal our hurt and improve our relationships. It can strengthen our current relationships.
Improved mental health. The negative emotions of blame, anger, and hostility are mental burdens to us. When we release them, we are freed from the stress that they cause. Forgiveness can produce substantial mental health benefits to the person who forgives. It reduces anger, stress, depression, and anxiety.
Better physical health. Those negative emotions not only strain us emotionally but physically as well. They can limit our heart health, our immunity, our intestinal health, and other physical functions. We will sleep better and have more energy.
And what about in our law practice?
Like anyone else, lawyers can benefit significantly from practicing forgiveness personally and professionally. Our profession involves conflict and adversarial situations, so integrating forgiveness into our practice creates several positive outcomes:
Reduced Stress and Burnout: The legal profession is highly stressful, with lawyers frequently dealing with challenging cases and demanding clients. Holding onto resentment and negative emotions towards opposing parties or colleagues can contribute to burnout. Forgiveness allows us to release these negative emotions, reducing stress and improving mental well-being.
Improved Relationships: Forgiving others, whether opposing counsel or clients, can help improve working relationships. By letting go of grudges, lawyers can foster open communication and collaboration, leading to better outcomes for their clients and a more pleasant work atmosphere.
Enhanced Problem Solving: Forgiveness encourages a more empathetic perspective, enabling lawyers to understand the motivations and concerns of others involved in a case. This broader understanding can lead to more effective problem-solving and creative solutions that benefit all parties involved.
Client Trust: Clients often seek legal representation during times of distress. Lawyers who practice forgiveness are better equipped to understand their clients' emotions and build trust by offering compassionate and empathetic guidance.
Emotional Resilience: By practicing forgiveness, lawyers develop emotional resilience, which helps us better navigate the ups and downs of our profession. This resilience allows us to bounce back from setbacks and perform at our best.
Better Decision-Making: Forgiveness reduces biases and negative emotions that can cloud judgment. Lawyers who practice forgiveness are more likely to make objective and rational decisions, leading to better client outcomes.
Personal Growth: Practicing forgiveness is a form of personal growth. Lawyers who engage in this practice develop emotional intelligence, empathy, and a deeper understanding of human behavior, all of which contribute to their effectiveness as legal professionals.
Incorporating forgiveness into our practice requires a shift in mindset. We acknowledge human imperfections and focus on favorable resolutions rather than harboring negative emotions. Forgiveness can help us maintain our well-being and strengthen our professional relationships.
How to Forgive
We all can see the gifts of forgiveness, and we know it’s not easy. What steps can we take to start practicing forgiveness?
Let go of judgment. Our sense of righteousness often holds us back from forgiving. We want to judge the other person, “he was so wrong!” But to open ourselves to forgiveness, we need to let go of that sense of judging the other person, again, which does not condone what he did.
Release all expectations. Others do not treat us how we want them to. We have expectations of other people which often do not match their behaviors. Let go of those expectations. When we expect others to behave in a certain way, it blocks us from forgiving.
Give up control. We can’t control the person who harmed us. We can’t make that person change their behavior. We can’t make them apologize to us or make things right. If we try to control who they are, what they did to us, and our need for an apology, we can’t forgive and move on.
Understand what forgiveness is and how it helps you. Once you understand what forgiveness is, what it is not, and how you can create your freedom by forgiving, you are in a better state of mind to forgive. Understand that forgiveness is not about condoning wrongdoing but about releasing yourself from the burden of negative emotions.
Forgive yourself. We have often done things wrong and hurt ourselves by specific choices or actions. Start forgiving yourself and not blaming yourself for something you might have done wrong. When we can forgive ourselves, we are more able to forgive others.
Understand your feelings. Begin by examining your feelings and past experiences. Identify any lingering resentments or grudges you might be holding onto. Recognize that forgiveness starts with understanding these emotions within yourself. Acknowledge how you feel about what happened and how it affects you. Understanding your emotions and feelings is the first step to forgiving the other party and letting go of them.
Shift Perspective: Try to view the situation from the other person's point of view. Understand their motivations, fears, and challenges. This empathetic perspective can soften your stance and make forgiveness more attainable.
Practice Empathy: Put yourself in the shoes of the person you're holding a grudge against. Imagine their emotions and thoughts. This exercise can help you connect with their humanity and see them as more than just adversaries.
Start Small: Begin with more minor instances you find easier to forgive. This could be minor conflicts or misunderstandings. Practice forgiving in these less emotionally charged situations to build your forgiveness muscle.
Open Communication: If the situation allows, communicate openly and honestly with the person you're forgiving. Sharing your feelings and thoughts can lead to mutual understanding and healing.
Set Boundaries: Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning harmful behavior. Establishing boundaries to protect yourself from further harm is vital while working towards forgiveness.
Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or your mentor about your struggles with forgiveness. Their perspectives and guidance can provide valuable insights and encouragement.
Ask for willingness to forgive. It can be so hard, but we need to seek the desire to let go of our pain and anger. If you're a spiritual person, pray for the willingness to forgive.
Choose to forgive. It’s within our power. It’s not easy. But to help and free ourselves, choose to forgive the other person who harmed us.
Free yourself from the control and power the other person has when you stop being a victim. Understand that you do not want to give control over your happiness to that very person who harmed you so unjustifiably. You are no longer a victim. You can choose to be free.
Conclusion
Forgiveness can be challenging. We have been unjustifiably wronged, and we feel pain and hurt. But reliving that injury just causes us pain. It does nothing to the other party. We can achieve much greater personal freedom when we choose forgiveness.
As lawyers, we daily navigate conflicts, disputes, and adversarial situations. Forgiveness can transform our approach and elevate our profession. It calls us to rise above resentment, seek understanding amid contention, and forge a path toward healing and resolution. Embracing forgiveness isn't a sign of weakness; it's a testament to our strength as lawyers fostering empathy and nurturing the bonds that bind us as a legal community. Let us journey forward with open hearts and a willingness to let go, knowing that through forgiveness, we empower ourselves and shape a profession where compassion and collaboration can thrive.
Would you like to understand better how to implement forgiveness into your law practice? You can schedule a courtesy call with me here: https://calendly.com/garymiles-successcoach/one-one-discovery-call