“Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart. And those who learn to listen are the most loved and respected.” -Richard Carlson

Have you ever wanted to share something important with someone, and you knew they were not really listening? Or, they interrupted you to tell you what they wanted to tell you? And didn’t that make you feel disrespected and disconnected from that person?

One of the keys to effective relationship building and true human connection is being a mindful and effective listener. In this edition of The Free Lawyer newsletter, I will discuss some typical barriers to effective listening, the consequences of poor listening habits, a process for effective listening, and the gifts that we enjoy when we truly listen to and hear the other party to the conversation.

Barriers to Effective Listening:

We have all encountered people who do not listen to us, and sometimes we have not been good listeners ourselves. These are some common barriers to effective listening:

1. We want to speak first and focus on our own agenda. We all want to create a favorable image, don’t we? Sometimes we think by sharing what we know we will create a positive impression. The problem is we are not listening to the other person when we are thinking of what we want to say. It is not really possible to carefully listen and at the same time focus on how we want to respond or what we want to say.

2. We have negative opinions of the other person or the topic. When we do not particularly like either the other party to the conversation or what they are talking about, our ability to listen is drastically limited. If we disagree with what the other person is saying, listening comes to a fast halt. Rather than judging the other person, or what they are saying, we should listen, hear what they might be saying, and see if we are missing something. Our biases against the other party to the conversation will prevent us from listening to them.

3. Our ego interferes. Sometimes we think we know more than the other party. We believe we have all the answers. We may believe we are intellectually superior or more familiar with the topic. If that’s the case, why should we really listen to the other person?

4. We are multitasking. We pretend to be listening, but we were actually thinking about something else, trying to get something else done. With multiple things going on at once, our brain really cannot process everything we are hearing. We are not able to really focus on listening because we are doing something else at the same time.

5. We know we disagree with someone, so we do not want to hear what they say. When we disagree with the other party, we immediately begin to focus on the disagreement, rather than whatever truth they may be sharing. We shut the other person off, because we believe we already know what the other person is going to say.

6. We interrupt the other person to fill in the blanks in their conversation. The other party is trying to share something, and we think we know what they want to say, so we complete the thoughts for them. Frequently, what we thought they are going to say was incorrect, and we prevented their opportunity to share their truth with us.

7. We pretend to listen to the person. We really are not that interested, and want to be doing something else, but we look at the person and pretend to be interested. It is obvious that the person is not heard, and she feels disrespected.

8. Our brain thinks so much faster than the other person speaks. As a result, our mind can wander or we will want to complete their thoughts for them before they have expressed them.

The Price of Poor Listening

We all have experienced those obstacles and communication with others, and felt when they were not listening to us. What problems does that cause?

1. Poor listening leads to assumptions and misunderstandings. We never really understand what the other person is trying to say. We assume they meant one thing, when they may in fact have meant something else. This creates misunderstandings which can cause further conflict.

2. Poor listening leads to hurt feelings. When someone really wants to be heard, and knows they are not, they are justifiably personally offended. They feel rejected.

3. Poor listening creates distrust. The other party will stop trusting us with being open or sharing the truth, because we did not  listen when they tried to communicate with us..

4. Poor listening hampers further communication. The other party will not want to share with us further, when they tried to communicate once and were not heard.

A Model For Effective Listening

So, we all want to be better listeners. How do we accomplish that? Here are some easy steps:

1. Awareness. Be mindful about your mindset. Be aware of those obstacles to your listening. Make sure you have freed yourself from any judgment or ego, and truly are centered on listening.

2. .Be truly present. Clear your mind of any distractions. Face the other party and maintain direct eye contact. Do not be distracted by other activities or thoughts. How much of your undivided attention are you actually giving to the other party?

3. Be attentive and relaxed. Pay attention. Do not be distracted by your own thoughts and preconceived ideas.

4. Have an open mind. Eliminate the desire to respond or correct. Be open to whatever that person has to say without judgment. Do not jump to conclusions.

5. Listen carefully. Do not interrupt. Do not offer solutions or comment. Just listen carefully and absorb what the other person is saying.

6. Ask clarifying questions. Only after the other party has finished speaking, if there is something that wasn’t clear or you did not understand, ask a supportive  question only to obtain further understanding.

7. Summarize back to the person what you heard them say. They will feel affirmed when you briefly summarize what they communicated to you. It shows that you are actually listening and understanding.

8. Understand and verbalize their feelings. Validate their emotion. Try to get in touch with the emotions that they are trying to express. Verbalize the feelings that were the basis of their communication. “You felt very disappointed when you did not get the raise you thought you deserved.” “You felt very frustrated when the partner gave you yet another project when he had already given you too many things to do in the time you had.”  You will show you understand what the other party is feeling by reflecting the emotions that they are trying to communicate. The purpose is to let the speaker know that you are listening and empathizing  with what they are saying.

9. Inquire whether they want feedback. If you sense the other person is looking for advice or a constructive solution, inquire if they want feedback from you. If so,carefully share your thoughts about their situation, but do not offer unsolicited advice.

10. Inquire whether you can share your position. As for an opportunity to share your ideas about the subject matter that was communicated. If the other party is  open to it, share what you have to say, hopefully with the same good listening in return.

The Gifts of Good Listening

It is so important to listen carefully to the other party of the conversation. When we do so, there are so many gifts for both the speaker and the listener. 

On a personal level, listening carefully can calm the fears or uncertainties of the other party to a conversation. You can boost the other party's excitement or happiness. You can provide support and encouragement to the other person, even if you do not know how to fix the problem. You can more easily show compassion and empathy in your relationship with that other person. Most importantly, you build  not only respect but also trust with the other party. They will be far more likely to communicate with you again because they believe that you will listen and validate their feelings. You can calmly resolve disagreements or arguments. So often the key is to be heard. When a person has an opportunity to safely express their emotions, often the disagreement can be jointly reduced or eliminated. You will deepen your connection with the other party, because you filled their need to be heard.

Effective listening is just as important on the professional level. As a lawyer, I was often involved in conflicts with the other attorney. We both had things we needed to express. We both wanted to be heard. When there was poor communication, we would talk over each other, interrupt each other, and not listen at all.

But by listening carefully, we obtained a good understanding of the other party, their needs and their goals. We knew what arguments they would be making to support their position. We gained valuable information. But more than that, we built a better relationship with the other attorney. He appreciated the fact that we actually listened and understood their position. When we have an opportunity to express our position, hopefully the other counsel listens to us as well. There then could be a mutual understanding of our clients’ respective needs and goals, and perhaps a solution could be derived earlier and with less expense.

Effective listening is critical both in our personal relationships and our professional life. It shows respect. It creates trust. It leads to understanding. It facilitates problem-solving. The critical thing is that we actually take the time to listen to each other.

Are you willing to take the steps to become a better listener?

I am working with attorneys and other professionals to help them be as successful and fulfilled in their profession as they want. I would love to learn more about you, your challenges and your goals. If you would like to chat, please set up a complementary discovery call with me here: https://calendly.com/garymiles-successcoach/one-one-discovery-call