With the New Year, this is a great time to reflect on where we are and where we are headed.

Have you ever felt confused or lost about your direction? Or not sure how to get there? Or, have you ever felt frustrated, and not sure why? Have you felt stressed but are not sure what to do about it? Did you feel that it would be good to ask for support, but are not sure who to ask or how to ask?

Those feelings are not at all unusual. In fact, most all of us have felt that way at times. We know we need some help, some guidance, but are afraid to ask for it.

I have learned during my life the benefits of receiving the right coaching from the right person at the right time. My dad had always been my mentor. He was constantly supportive, providing loving guidance, always there for me. When he passed, there was a real emptiness, because he was one person I always turned to for support.

I have been an avid golfer my whole life. I played for my high school team and my college team. By now, I have played for over 50 years. You would think I would understand the sport perfectly well by now. But beginning when I was 13, I had a golf pro who coached me in the game. I literally have had a golf coach every year since, including to the present. While I do understand the game, I do not always perceive what I am doing wrong, where I am off track. That coaching helps to better understand how I can improve, play better, and have more confidence and fun.

I began my journey in sobriety over 30 years ago. Not only did I struggle with addiction to alcohol, but my thinking was way out of balance. I was full of self-centeredness, shame, and guilt. I have always had a sponsor who has helped me to understand how to live life sober and to change my ways of acting and living. Now I see reality as it is, and I respond appropriately. My sponsor helps me to live life on life's terms. It has truly been invaluable.

More recently I entered a new field in my practice of law. I had always been a very successful personal injury trial attorney, primarily on the defense side. However, 12 years ago I embarked on a new career as a family law attorney. I wanted to be of more direct and personal help to my clients. I was insecure and uncomfortable, knowing very little about that area of law. A fellow attorney who I had known for some years became my mentor. He provided me forms, told me about the critical cases in the most important areas, but most importantly answered my innumerable questions about how to handle a specific, unique situation that my client was facing. When I was stuck, he helped me. I am very grateful to him for the service he has provided to me. He has helped me become an independent, confident, highly regarded family law attorney. 

In each of these incidents, I have learned the amazing benefits of having a coach who supports us on our journey. Yet, it is often hard to ask for help. I will address the reasons why we do not ask for support as frequently as needed; the wrong and right ways to ask for help, and six tangible gifts from obtaining the coaching that we need.

The difficulty in asking for support

Why is it so hard to ask for help? Primarily, fear. We often know we could benefit from some guidance from an independent third party, but we are afraid to. In my field of law, we are trained to be confident, independent, smart, and in charge. The thought that we needed someone to help us seems to undermine our very identity as attorneys. We fear he may be perceived as weak, or incompetent. Our culture honors self-help and independence. Our fear is that our seeking help will undermine our confidence, make us question our abilities, or create anxiety for us. Sometimes, we are not self-aware enough to know that some coaching would be helpful to us. But, more importantly, even when we do, we are afraid of how we might look if we ask someone for help.

Of course, those feelings while real and understandable, are not accurate. No one thinks less of us when we ask for help. We should never let that unwarranted fear hold us back from obtaining the support that we need.

The right and wrong way to ask for support

Often we ask for help in the wrong ways. We tell the other person how much they will enjoy helping us. We portray our needs as being small and insignificant. We may even remind the other person that they owe us a favor. Or, we talk about how much their help will benefit us. 

Instead of seeking help from a spirit of self-centeredness, we should be more open and transparent. We would be concise and specific in what we are asking for and communicate our needs clearly. We should not apologize for seeking support. Everyone needs help sometimes and it is actually nothing to be ashamed of. When we ask for support, it should be done directly, either face-to-face or on a call. We let the other person know why that person's skills, background or experience make him particularly uniquely suited to be helpful. And, after getting the coaching we need, we should let the other party know how grateful we are and how helpful it was. We should share the results of their support.

Six gifts of getting the support we need

When we do become aware that we need some coaching, and have decided to ask for and accept it, the benefits can be incredible. The goals we have set for ourselves are now more easily achievable and our path to accomplishing our vision is clearer. These are six tangible gifts of accepting coaching:

1. It deepens relationships. Sharing ourselves with others in a transparent way, seeking their assistance, listening to their guidance and growing create a deeper and truly special relationship. We have allowed ourselves to become more open, and the mentor appreciates that. We are perceived as being trusting and honest. Our coach appreciates both our candor and the opportunity to be of support. It creates a common bond that is unique and special.

2. It is the hallmark of a successful professional. All those who have been successful have been willing to be mentored and taught by others. It is actually the sign of a successful confident professional who is willing to seek help, improve and grow.

3. It builds resilience. Without support, we are fragile and uncertain. We do not have a sense of direction, nor do we know how to overcome the obstacles that we face. With proper coaching, we facilitate our personal growth and development. We will become more resilient and will know how to overcome our setbacks and obtain the guidance from others that allows us to continue to grow.

4. We develop a growth mindset. We break out of the pattern of thinking "I am not good at that," or "this is a task that is beyond me." Our performance improves. We grow and expand. We can achieve things that previously did not seem possible for us.

5. It improves our emotional stability. We are no longer fragile and weak. We are connected to a coach who helps us to understand what is going on and how to handle it. Our confidence and self-awareness grow. We are no longer isolated and filled with worry and doubt. We have the support we need and know who to turn to when we need guidance.

6. Others appreciate our strength in asking for help. Vulnerability is a character trait that is now widely valued. Those around us see it as a sign of courage when we ask for the support that we need to be as successful as we want to be.

Final thoughts

We should never let our fear hold us back from seeking the support that we need. We all know that we perceive others as strong and mature when they admit their vulnerability and their needs. Good coaching can set us in a new direction, and help us to handle the obstacles that we face. I have benefited from so many mentors in my life. I now have a passion for helping and serving others as I have been. If I can ever be of any support to you in any way, please let me know. I would love to connect with you and discuss any challenges you are facing in a private and confidential manner. Please feel free to reach out to me. I would love to chat with you.